Calm down and rethink
17 March 2017
I have reread what she replied to me the other day. She said she doesn’t hate me she hates herself. I do not doubt what she said. I don’t doubt that she doesn’t hate me. She said she wants us to just act normally at school or else it’ll just make it worse for her. I mean I tried. But you shut down on Thursday, which I don’t really blame you for because it’s not your fault that you didn’t feel like speaking with me. So, again, I guess I’m still upset because despite saying it’s your problem to deal with, it clearly isn’t since you are still so upset.
A thing with Gauri happened today as well. She messaged Aditi about relaying an apology about being so hard-headed about the movie project. So she relayed the message to me and Dhanya and said that she doesn’t want to be making excuses for us and we need to figure it out. At this point I was seeing white and feeling dizzy. This was in the middle of a dumb nutrition presentation during Dance. First because Aditi seemed so passive aggressive about it. Second because it came so out of the blue because nothing that week even involved Gauri so at first I was annoyed as to why she was out there making the situation with Aditi even worse. But then I decided maybe it was because of the bad aura and mood I’ve been projecting the entire week due to the situation with Aditi that she felt like I was mad at her. So I told Aditi I would just tell Gauri my thought process on the situation during lunch and clarify. So during lunch I told Gauri honestly how frustrated with her I was at first, but that now I’m fine. And after I had a conversation about why I was in such a bad mood this entire week, and that it wasn’t because of her, I felt like the annoyance I had for her dissipated. The main problem I had was that it felt like she was not aware of how her overreaction to the whole movie project was stressing me out. But now that it’s clear that she does know and I’ve talked to her about my frustration and we came to an understanding about the situation, it’s so much better. I’m glad Dhanya wasn’t there for the first part because I started crying halfway through because it’s like all the emotion that had been building for the entire week just overflowed.
As much as I rant to Dhanya about school and Physics and whatever, I feel like I could never rant to her about something that would make me cry because she seems like such a non emotional person. I don’t blame her for it, she’s just different from how I think. I am very chill about school and grades while she is out there wilding, which is nothing that I hold against her. On the other hand, I get so caught up with human relations, but she never really feels as much as I do about it.
Then close to after school, Aditi messaged me and Dhanya that we should meet tomorrow (Saturday) to talk. I was honestly relieved because I felt like I needed to explain my side as well as more adequately understand her side. I’m not exactly sure what I should do though because Dhanya keeps telling me that I should just stay silent and let Aditi yell at us and get over it. I’m having trouble thinking that that’s the right way to go because I feel like that’s such a fake thing to do. At this point I feel like it would be the most beneficial to make the situation completely crystal clear as to prevent any misunderstandings in the future. She said she’ll just show up and listen, but is it really listening if the whole time you’re just waiting for the other person to “get over it” while you do nothing? I feel like it’s unfair to both me and Aditi if I don’t tell her my side and my emotions on the matter because then what really is this entire friendship built on? Lies and pretenses of understanding? Maybe I’ll try to talk to her more if Dhanya leaves early. Or if she doesn’t I’ll just say it regardless if I feel it’s appropriate.
