Doubt; I don’t understand

14 March 2017

I used to think I had no doubts about this friendship but now I do. She posted on Twitter that her friends don’t give a shit about her. I don’t know how to feel about it anymore.

On one hand she said it’s because of her anxiety that she feels this way. But literally the night before we had a huge chat about the entire situation. And we seemed to come to an understanding but I guess I still don’t understand anything.

I guess I still don’t understand her anxiety if I’m still so hung up about this.

This always happens to me. When anything happens that has to do with my friendships, I just can’t stop thinking about it. I just sit there thinking and thinking. Maybe I got it from my mom. I look at Dhanya and it’s like she moved on so fast. Dhanya never seems to be paying attention to the people around her.

I wish this entire situation didn’t happen. It was so easy for it to not happen yet here we are.

I hate it.

I hate it when people say in a place where their friends can see that they think their friends don’t care about them. You might as well just tell it to my face that you think I don’t give a shit about you while you think you love me so much. I don’t hate them for it I hate myself for it because it means that I failed.

I said I understood that it isn’t just me but if I’m honest I can’t understand. I can’t understand how you would write that knowing someone who cares about you is reading it because now I am constantly thinking about it.

She says she loves and wants to protect all of her friends but they all don’t give a shit about her. That just seems so presumptuous to me. I don’t understand.

Sometimes (like now haha) I would think that someone I like actually hates or is angry at me but I would never say something like that. I would never say that I love them while they don’t care about me because I would be shitting on all the things they’ve done for me and all the moments we had together.

The fact that she can say that makes me wonder if she really does want to love and protect her friends. Sometimes I feel like she cares more about her online friends than us.

I get that you have every right to post whatever you want on your own social media and if I don’t want to see it then I don’t have to. I get that it might make you feel better when your other friends get upset for you (even though they don’t even know the entire situation). I just wonder if it really counts as caring if all they say is “ill fight them” and “they can choke”. Like yes come over and fight me I fucking dare you. I dare you to come and fight me because if you really think that I’ll just let you believe that I don’t care about one of my closest friends then prepared to be knocked the fuck out.

And giving blatantly misunderstood information? I cannot stress enough; it’s like tunnel vision or something. “They invited her to sit with us :,(“. Yes her and FIVE other people for a GROUP PROJECT. YOU REALLY THINK WE WOULD JUST INVITE HER TO SPITE YOU. And I’m so sad because according to her, she really does think that. You KNEW we had a group project, I ranted about it to you the Friday night before yet this still happens.

I’m just jaded with how aggressive she was about the situation. Like no matter how hurt you were, why not try to understand the entire situation before you blow up and start accusing people. No matter how hurt you are, don’t assume I don’t have feelings either. I’m jaded because even though I thought we were fine, I kind of still think maybe we aren’t.

Trust is something that’s hard to keep. Think harder before you say something. Doubt is rampant in my mind. Not only do I now think I’ve lost your trust (did I ever even have it in the first place?), I also feel like maybe I can’t trust the strength of this friendship anymore either if it’s so easy for you to discard it.

The more I think about it the more annoyed I get. All I can think of now are all the times she’s said something or did something that annoyed me.

She also started dragging people from school today on Twitter. It’s strange because normally I would think it’s funny, but now I just feel sad. It’s a lot more fun to laugh with someone then watch them laughing with others, wondering if they’re laughing at you.

Sometimes I feel like she’s too judgmental. Every time she drags on Justice I feel bad for Dhanya because she buys her jeans from there. Aditi knows that yet she does it every single time and I just have to think, why can’t you just let it go so Dhanya doesn’t feel bad about buying her damn jeans from Justice like who the fuck cares. Every time something shitty happens, her first question is about the person’s race. If they’re white, then it’s “ugh white people” and “of course, they’re white”. If they aren’t white then she doesn’t say anything because of course if you’re a douche and you’re white then you’re a douche because you’re white. Why can’t people be rude without it being an automatic consequence of their race. I really don’t see the need to be out there labeling all white people. “They” didn’t “do you wrong”, that person did. “They” didn’t do your ancestors wrong, some dead person did. It’s like what do you think? Do you really think all white people now are the same people from your history textbook that owned slaves or something, like damn. Obviously racism still exists, but why not evaluate a person’s character before their ethnicity? Last time I checked, one person doesn’t represent the ideals of an entire group. Isn’t that what we’re fighting for. What makes that line of thought different from the people who say all Muslims are terrorists. It just irritates me so much.

I love you, but I can’t pretend to understand you.