Reply 2017
13 March 2017
So she’s finally replied:
“hmm.. its just that idk if yall realize this but 95% pf the time i think you guys hate me and sooo having you guys bring my tormentor there really felt like a personal attack saying that yall really dont care no matter how much i tell you that she makes me uncomfortable”
“frankly its whatever dont worry about it i need to get over it myself”
I guess I’m kind of shocked? Even though I also sometimes feel like some people I know actually hate me, I’ve never felt that way with Aditi. So I never thought she would feel that way about me. Wow I feel like I’ve failed. Like I’m that bad of a friend that she thinks I hate her 95% of the time.
I guess I thought I’d feel better after she replied but I still feel pretty bad.
What did I really expect.
I’ve mostly calmed down now though. Lol looking back at my past two entries I was so pissed. Confusion and uncertainty really gets to me.
Reply part two:
“my anxiety makes me think that way….thats why i never come to school lol i literally believe that everyone hates me its not just you guys… like i told this to chungmin the other day and when she told me she didnt hate me i was literally shook like it had never even occurred to me that that yall dont hate me lmao. i don’t hate you i hate myself and i am so clingy and annoying i feel like i like you guys too much and no one really likes me so these things hurt a lot more than they should so . yeah thats how my anxiety works essentially”
“you don’t have to over think it its just something that happens… i’m surprised it hasnt happened before in front of you guys. you dont need to over think it, frankly the whole ~alicia situation~ is the only thing that i need yall to accommodate me for. i can handle the rest so just please don’t worry about it or be awkward because that’ll make it worse for me”
I think I understand more now. I kind of feel like some of what I wrote in my previous entries are moot, but I think I should just keep it as a record of my thoughts.