Pitch clinic, week 2
Last week I reviewed a pitch about 9/11. This week, it’s about health.
If you want your pitch reviewed going forward, just write a Medium post and tag it #PITCHCLINIC. I’ll go through the offerings and reply to some of the posts. All replies will be catalogued on the Pitch Clinic page.
PITCH #2
Dear Ms. Reed,
Did you know you’ve got rocks in your head?
Ew! Also, that’s a good start. Gross, but you have my attention.
Occasionally, these tiny stones, called otoconia, get loose in your ears, wreaking havoc on your sense of balance — the medical condition known as vertigo. I learned this the hard way, when a recent bout of vertigo knocked me for a loop.
Vertigo makes you feel like you’re spinning, swaying, or tilting when you’re not. Basically, it’s a type of hallucination — a mismatch between reality and the signals your eyes, inner ears, and sense of touch send your brain.
I like this because this tells me you’re able to “demystify” science for the rest of us quite well. You tell me about a condition but explain it in a straightforward way that doesn’t make me feel like I’m an idiot.
Adults over the age of 60 are seven times more likely to experience vertigo than younger adults. That’s because our sense of balance diminishes as we age. But it doesn’t have to — we can take steps to reduce or prevent losses.
I’m offering for your consideration a fun and engaging story titled “Rolling Stones,” a short, first-person health narrative I’ve begun writing (with expert insights from Johns Hopkins University neurologist David Zee), that’s well-suited for the Herald’s Health & Fitness section.
1. I don’t need the suggested headline but it’s fun to have a pun thrown in
2. I like that you tell me it’s short. What a nice change from people wanting to write 10,000 words pieces.
3. I like that you already have an expert lined up
4. I know this is a pitch clinic but HOT DAMN! You should have changed the title of the place you pitched it for, just for the sake of this exercise. It might not apply here because this is a ‘mock trial’ of sorts, but people, you wouldn’t believe the number of times someone writes me to pitch me a piece that would be perfect for GQ/Aeon/The New York Times/whatever. Editors can be mean about it and decide to ignore your email entirely if this happens because no one likes to be made to feel like they are the second choice. Being a terrible person I have been know to ignore emails that made such a mistake because ugh. (If the pitch is great I still reply but that’s not an excuse).
I’m a freelance science writer with a professional background in public health and human nutrition; currently I’m pursuing a master’s degree in science writing from Johns Hopkins University. You can read some of my work at Slate.com and on page [XXX] of this newsletter from the American Institute for Cancer Research.
That section looks good, you tell me you have some credentials and some experience, fine.
Thank you for considering this proposal. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
PITCH GRADE: B+
Why I liked about this pitch: You seem to have your ducks in a row. You seem to know who you’re going to talk to to write the piece, experts wise. You have first experience, which is good.
What I didn’t like about this pitch: I don’t know what the piece *is*. Is it a first person narrative, really? You say so, but then you mention vertigo being noticed in adults over 60 + ways to prevent it, which almost makes it sound like a health service piece. Is it a “This happened to me” piece, à la XOJane? Is it a health advice column? Where would it sit in my publication? There’s no peg, either — and I think it wouldn’t hurt to have one here.
Would I publish: Me, no. For the reasons explained above. The editor of the Herald’s Health & Fitness section might feel differently.
