Pitch clinic, week 6

I am reviewing pitches sent by freelancers. As a reminder, if you want to send one my way to get feedback, please email jessica dot reed at theguardian dot com with the subject PITCH CLINIC. Or write it here on Medium and tag it #PITCHCLINIC. Your submission will remain anonymous.

PITCH NUMBER 6

Ms. Reed,

One man runs a mile for each year his wife has been dead — a way of repentance since he’s the one who killed her. Another man ran more than 20 miles home the day he was released on parole.

Right now I am loving the first story; the second one is less interesting. I hope this will be about the first story …

The stories that emerge from running program at the Oregon State Penitentiary are similar to the endurance they help create — aren’t stopping anytime soon. letting up anytime soon.

Oh, so it’s not. OK. Boo! This sentence is also a bit weird. Just make it as short and the point as you can. (Stop it at “they help create”).

The program’s start is credited to famed Olympic runner Steve Prefontaine in the 70s, who is said to have visited the inmates to show the positive impacts that running can have. The running group continued after the athlete’s death in 1977 and has become hugely popular — the waitlist to be an inmate in the program is several years long. Now, once a month for eight months, the prison opens its doors to about twenty “outsiders” for a series of 5k and 10k races.

This is uplifting. And I can see how there must be good photography in there somewhere too. But right now I worry about access to write this story.

The regular events at the maximum-security prison provide a unique opportunity — both for outside runners to see what prison and its segmented population is like and for inmates to show even one more person that they’re human. The workout and competitive atmosphere are an added bonus. I have done this run myself and can attest to the positive impact it has on both inmates and outside runners.

Ahh, so you have personal experience too + you reassure me about access. This is good, this is good.

I propose a 1,500-word narrative on the program, which provides a number of possible angles: How does it help the inmates? Do outside participants change their view on prisoners? I have access to these races and I want to tell this story.

Here I’d like it better if you told me about ONE specific race coming up + a date for it.

I am confident I can deliver a thoughtful, factually sound piece that conveys the personalities of those involved.

That line sounds like you’re writing a cover letter. Scrap that.

Having worked as a criminal justice reporter in Oregon and Washington for years, I am well acquainted with the prison system and even worked with the staff during my time as a reporter at the Statesman Journal, the daily newspaper in Salem, Ore., where the prison is located.

Great. That makes me feel better about possibly commissioning this.

Please take a look at my attached resume. I have also included a few clips to demonstrate my reporting and writing ability, including [REDACTED].

Thank you for this opportunity.

PITCH GRADE: A-

What I liked about this pitch: Loads of possibilities for great personal stories. Uplifting, too. I’ve published similar stories before[here’s one from last year], and justice reporting is usually so grim, it’s nice to hear about something that works. Good possibility for mixed media journalism.

What I didn’t like about this pitch: I would want you to tell me: that you have already arranged access (possibly). Which race you’d like to go for. Which angle you’d like to take (you give me two — pick one and make it amazing). Would it be worth focusing on the story of one inmate in particular? (I’m not saying it is so, but this would perhaps make for a better read). Is the pitch about you doing the race instead? Is it about the atmosphere, is it about the program, is it all of the above? Are you certain you would have great access to inmates? It’s usually hard to guarantee this. Could I send a photographer? Would this be allowed? Would you be guaranteed interviews with the staff in charge of the program too? Etc etc.

Would I publish: Possibly. I need answers to all of the above. Email me again with more details and a refocused pitch.