EDITORIAL HUMOR
A Convicted Criminal Running For President? I Never Thought I’d See The Day
Another open letter from Harvey Hindsight
I’m not sure what this modern world is coming to. Technology is jumping forward faster than a rabbit in heat. Social norms have been turned on their heads. And apparently, it’s now completely acceptable for a convicted criminal to run for President of the United States of America.
This current presidential candidate, whose name I can’t bring myself to utter for fear I will lose my lunch, has been convicted of such shocking, illegal, anti-American actions that he should certainly be disqualified from running for office of any kind in this country.
The cad has besmirched the very reputation of American political figures. He has dragged this land’s good name through the mud.
Look, I’m no stranger to mischief. My neighborhood gang was called the Pranksters. We would create elaborate distractions for the five-and-dime storekeepers and then swipe sticks of gum from the discount bin while they weren’t looking.
Then we would sneak into church and slip cut-out strips from the funnies into the Bibles in the back of the pews. We were rapscallions, for sure.
Then we all decided to straighten up and fly right by the time we turned 13 and started working at the steel mill.
But I digress. I always seem to digress. It’s fast becoming my thing. I shall regress now.
Sadly, I fear that ethical fortitude and good, old-fashioned gumption are no longer valued in this nation.
Presidential candidates used to have moral fiber coming out of their ears, not tommyrot coming out of their pie holes.
They used to lead by example, not say one thing and do another.
This unnamed skallywag has all of the slipperiness of a salamander.
But we didn’t get here overnight.
When it became clear that our sitting president simply didn’t have the mental faculties to carry on for another term, I knew this election was about to turn into a humdinger. And boy, was I right.
Things have gone all topsy-turvy in a New York minute.
In my opinion, anyone who supports this turncoat ne’er-do-well for President should be tarred and feathered!
That’s it! I’m going to call this good-for-nothing out by his God-given name, after all.
Eugene Debs. This socialist. This un-American union rabble-rouser. Eugene Debs, Sedition Act of 1918 violator. Spitter in the face of the great, albeit enfeebled, Woodrow Wilson and everything he stands for.
This scoundrel, Debs, has the utter gall to run for president from a prison cell! And people are supporting him!
Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if Eugene Debs sleazes his way into the White House. I’ll surely move to the Dominion of Canada and brave the frozen tundra of Toronto instead of remaining in an increasingly lawless land.
Furthermore, I pray we will never again have to face the fear of a convicted criminal becoming President of the United States of America.
Your humble and currently indignant servant,
Harvey Ambrose Hindsight
Editor’s note: Harvey Hindsight was struck in the head by a steel girder in 1917 and spent the next 104 years in a coma. When he woke up, he received a giant settlement that gives him the financial freedom to do nothing but slowly catch up on the history he missed, in no particular order, and write angry letters to various publications.
