AN AWKWARD GUIDE
Sneaking Dad’s Old Porn Into Trash Not as Easy as Everyone Says It is
Sexy time is over
We all go through this eventually. There comes a time when we have to figure out how to get dad’s old porn magazines, tapes, and even film reels out of the garage and into the trash without mom seeing them and flipping out. People have been telling us how easy this is our whole lives. If only we all had a nickel for every time someone said, “It’s as easy as sneaking your dad’s old porn out into the trash without mom finding it.” We have all been badly misled. But I’m here to help.
Your dad managed to keep his smut well hidden for decades in boxes labeled with words like “rat poison” or “fishing gear” so mom would never touch them. But some kind of inciting incident has happened. Maybe dad passed away, or he’s moved into a senior living facility. Maybe your folks are finally getting all that dry rot above dad’s pornography zone fixed. Regardless, you should prepare for some Mission: Impossible type shit for this endeavor.
You see, mothers seem to come equipped with pornography-sniffing technology, and they become freaking Toucan Sam when porn is on the move. So unless you have one of those moms who’s super chill about dad looking at porn, it’s best to try to avoid confrontation.
But with a lot of planning and a little luck, you just might thread the needle and leave your parents’ house as a mostly physical-porn-free environment. Leave it to future homeowners to find what could be hidden in the walls.
Here are a few tips:
- Black trash bags are your friend. Volume doesn’t matter here. Opacity is the enemy, so stay away from even white bags of any sort.
- Do not throw any pornography into indoor trash cans. This should be a no-brainer, but it still needs to be stated.
- Whenever possible, surround the porn with actual garbage. The smellier, the better. Food scraps and dog poop are great for this. Think of it like you’re trying to smuggle cocaine.
- Get to know your mom’s routine. She’s the main prison guard here, and you need to study her rounds carefully. The same goes for dad if he’s still in the house.
- If necessary, create a diversion. Tell mom that there’s someone with a new baby down the street, wait for the coast to clear, and make your move.
- Have those excuses ready. You are inevitably gonna get caught acting suspiciously at some point in this process. Craft believable reasons for being in the general porn area and why you’re carrying bags of mysterious stuff out of the house ahead of time.
- Channel your inner ninja. Get in and out of the danger zone with speed and quiet feet.
- If you successfully get the porn to the street and no one is around, try to throw it in the neighbor’s garbage can. You know, the one she hates. She thinks they’re crazy anyway, so if they confront her about it, she won’t listen.
- Do not put any of the paper porn in their recycling bin! In order to be successful here, you’re going to have to ask Mother Earth for a mulligan. If that’s a deal-breaker, you‘ll have to get those magazines into your car and recycle them on your own.
- Don’t get greedy. If Pops has any kind of respectable porn collection, you’re not going to get it all out in one fell swoop. Baby steps for the win.
- Important note: Smuggling porn out of your parents’ house cannot be accomplished with two guards on duty. Do not attempt if both parents are awake and in the house. Period.
I know it’s a lot to take on, but remember that you’re doing this for everyone’s greater good. And if dad is still living at the house, you’re likely doing this without his permission, but still with the best of intentions. Mom would never believe that the porn is yours when it’s from 10 years before you were born, so you can’t just take the bullet for him.
Finally, if you’re tempted to keep any of dad’s old pornography for yourself, I don’t know how you’re reading this because you clearly don’t have the internet.
