The art of feedback — to lift up and not to tear down
The art of feedback, both giving and receiving, is a dance of communication, emotional intelligence, and growth. By embracing feedback in all its forms, we enhance our personal and professional lives and also deepen our connections with those around us.
As we all strive to be both givers and receivers of feedback who uplift and are uplifted, it is crucial to understand that the actual value or the impact of feedback lies not in the moment of its delivery but in the growth it inspires or the scar it leaves behind after that. Handled with care, it can sculpt the grandest of careers or the deepest of connections; wielded without thought, it can chip away at the very foundation of self-esteem.
Giving feedback
“Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy.” — Warren W. Wiersbe. Striking, isn’t it? This quote sums up the essence of giving effective feedback. Feedback sessions shouldn’t make the receiver feel like they are prosecuted. “This is wrong; that’s not how it’s done…” The focus cannot always be on what went missing; it should also be on what can be found.
The best feedback feels like a collaborative dance. Mistakes acknowledged, yes, but woven into a narrative of growth and opportunity. “Here’s what went well,” sets a positive tone. “And here’s a thought on how we could make it even better.” It isn’t about sugarcoating the pill but about making the medicine go down with a spoonful of honey.
“In a world where you can be anything, be kind,” goes another saying that resonates deeply when we talk about feedback. This kindness forms the foundation of feedback in our workplaces as well as in our homes and personal lives.
Psychologically speaking, this approach aligns with the concept of ‘Positive Reinforcement’ championed by B.F. Skinner. By focusing on positive outcomes and reinforcing what works, we’re not just correcting behavior; we’re nurturing an environment ripe for growth and innovation.
Let’s sprinkle in a bit of Daniel Kahneman’s wisdom here. His work on cognitive biases and heuristics sheds light on why feedback can sometimes be received so poorly. The ‘negativity bias’ suggests we’re wired to react more strongly to negative information than to positive. Knowing this, when giving feedback, it’s crucial to balance our critique with a healthy dose of positive reinforcement to ensure our message is both heard and absorbed constructively.
Consider the dynamics within a family setting. Constructive feedback, shared with love and respect, can help family members understand each other better and grow together. It’s about creating a safe space where feedback is seen as a gift, not a grievance. Reflecting on the startup culture, the principle of ‘failing forward’ is just as applicable at home as it is in the office. Encouraging family members to see mistakes as learning opportunities can foster resilience and a positive outlook on life’s challenges.
A young team or a young family, brimming with ideas but green in execution, working on many of their firsts. Mistakes? Plenty. But instead of a teardown session, choose a ‘feedback sandwich’ approach — positive, constructive, positive. This keeps morale high and also turns mistakes into learning opportunities, fostering a culture of ‘failing forward.’
In the words of the ever-insightful Yuval Noah Harari, “Humans think in stories rather than in facts, numbers, or equations, and the simpler the story, the better.” This is the secret sauce in giving feedback — weaving it into a narrative that speaks to growth, potential, and the journey ahead. It’s not about glossing over the flaws but framing them as steps on the ladder of progress.
Whether in boardrooms or living rooms, the principles of empathy, clarity, and positivity in feedback can bridge gaps, mend fences, and elevate our collective journey toward improvement.
Let’s carry forward the spirit of constructive, compassionate feedback and nurturing environments where individuals feel valued and empowered to reach their full potential. After all, the true art of feedback lies not in the critique itself but in our ability to uplift and inspire, be it at work or home. So, here’s to mastering this art, one thoughtful conversation at a time.
Receiving feedback
In the realm of feedback, much is said about the art of giving it. Yet, the skill of receiving feedback, especially when it’s not wrapped in kindness, is equally, if not more, crucial.
Let’s embark on this journey with a spin on an ancient Turkish proverb, “When you throw stones at a tree laden with fruit, the tree responds by dropping its fruit.” This philosophy encourages us to respond to criticism with grace, learning from it rather than retaliating.
The Professional Sphere: A Lesson in Humility
In the professional context, receiving feedback can often feel like a tightrope walk. When feedback is far from kind, every word can feel like a direct hit to our confidence. The power of humility and the growth mindset can come in handy here. Instead of defensively justifying our actions, take a moment to step back and truly listen. This isn’t easy, especially when the feedback feels more like an attack than constructive criticism. However, by focusing on the underlying message rather than the tone, we can sift through the harshness and find valuable insights that can significantly improve our work.
Receiving feedback effectively requires separating the message from the messenger. It’s about extracting the kernel of truth and growth potential from even the most poorly delivered feedback. Psychologically, this aligns with the concept of ‘emotional intelligence’ — the ability to manage our own emotions and understand the feelings of others. By approaching feedback with emotional intelligence, we can turn potentially discouraging interactions into opportunities for personal and professional development.
The Personal Realm: Cultivating Resilience
On the personal front, feedback can sometimes feel even more piercing, given the emotional stakes involved. Let’s say a family member criticizes your decision-making or lifestyle choices. Such feedback, primarily when delivered without tact, can be challenging to receive constructively. Here, the art of receiving feedback intertwines with the strength of our relationships and our self-esteem.
Such harsh feedback conversations can be a pivotal moment for introspection and resilience building. By listening openly, we can acknowledge their concerns, clarify our intentions, and explain the rationale behind our actions or decisions. Also, realize how we can see why they feel let down.
In situations like these, the psychological principle of ‘cognitive restructuring’ comes into play. It involves changing the negative patterns of thinking that arise in response to feedback and viewing the situation from a new, more positive perspective. It’s about asking ourselves, “What can I learn from this?” rather than “Why are they criticizing me?”
Embracing Vulnerability
Brené Brown, a renowned researcher on vulnerability, emphasizes the courage in being vulnerable and the growth it fosters. Receiving feedback, especially the kind that stings, is an exercise in vulnerability. It’s about opening ourselves up to critique and the possibility of growth. This vulnerability, while daunting, is the crucible in which our personal and professional development is forged.
Whether in the office or at home, embracing feedback with a mindset of growth and resilience can transform our most challenging moments into our most significant opportunities for development. It’s not merely about weathering the storm of criticism but learning how to dance in the rain.
In Conclusion: The Full Circle of Feedback
In this continuous cycle of giving and receiving, let’s remember that every piece of feedback, kindly or harshly delivered, holds a seed of growth waiting to be nurtured — if only we are open and curious to learn and grow.
PS — Adding a powerful hack here; before giving feedback, ask for permission. “Can I share some feedback on this?” Or “Do I have your permission to share what I think?”. While this may not eliminate the negative impact (if any) on the receiver, it will certainly reduce it.
Some powerful questions in giving and receiving feedback
Giving feedback
- Is this the best you can do?
- This is great. How can we make this even better?
- I see you’ve approached it this way. Where do you think this can fail?
- What angles haven’t you thought of? Or What questions haven’t I asked?
- What did you learn?
- Do you mind if we start over? (When your feedback wasn’t received well initially)
- What’s stopping you from ….
- What could make that possible? What’s getting in the way of doing that?
- How do you plan to approach this? What is your strategy? What things have you decided not to do?
- If the circumstances were turned around, how would you like to be treated?
Receiving feedback
- Can you say more about that?
- What would you like me to change? What do you suggest I do differently?
- Would you be willing to share a better way of doing this?
- I am unable to …. because …… I value your advice. Do you have any suggestions on how I can overcome this?
- I hear what you are saying. I’d like to hear your views on whether this is consistent with our family’s/team’s/company’s values.
- When you were in my position, how did you do this? (Or) If you were in my position, how would you do this?
- How would this make us (team/family/company) better? Why does this matter so much to you? Why is this so special for you?
- Do you think this is always true, or is this situation in particular? Given the problem, what is the most important thing we should be discussing now?
- What do you think I stand for? What have I done that has reinforced that?
- If the circumstances were turned around, how would you like to be treated?
