The Obituary: The Most Important (and Unknown) Tool To Reach Your Goals in Life
TL;DR: At the end of life, it’s very normal for people to regret what they didn’t do when they were healthy and young. But when we’re young and healthy, we don’t always vigorously pursue our big goals. The Obituary is the tool that fixes this problem, making you reflect today on how you want to be remembered after death.
The importance of having big goals for life, although it’s a cliché, it’s real.
We all want to achieve something that challenges our abilities and brings self-fulfillment.
However, we rarely want to face the big challenges today. Life is long, we can leave it for another day, month, year…
Thus, our brain tricks us in the search for homeostasis and, in a flash, the years pass.
When we stop to reflect, we always fall into the two-way game:
- We’re wasting too much time and we’re too late, which is demotivating.
- We forget or give up, accepting a mediocre life.
To some extent, we all experience this kind of feeling, even the most dedicated people.
It would be easy to solve this simply with a moral lesson or a motivational phrase.
In the end, we know that it doesn’t do much good.
The internet is full of them just a scroll away in a social media feed and, well, things remain more or less the same for everyone.
Instead, I want to introduce you to a far more interesting social experiment.
Before I Go…
While working as a palliative caregiver — a kind of doctor who specializes in quality of life for terminally ill patients — the (now) writer Bronnie Ware has documented for years her patients’ answers to the question:
What do you regret most in life?
And she was able to categorize this into five possible answers, described in the book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.
- I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.
- I would have stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish I had allowed myself to be happier.
Mind you, these answers have a lot more to do with things that people failed to do throughout their lives than with what they did that went wrong.
The Unforgiving Reality
Give some thought to the five regrets listed above.
Can you identify the exact moment when you are practicing something that will make you regret it in the distant future?
Usually not.
These are very subtle actions — or omissions — which we accumulate almost unconsciously.
The reality about the five great regrets is that they are one thing: missing the truth of life.
Not being your real self, not being deeply sincere.
Of course, you can’t tell the whole truth to everyone, but you must always tell yourself the truth.
To regret not being true automatically means loving the momentary look, convenience, and “low-hanging fruits”.
But, well, it’s a complicated situation.
If we have a certain inability to recognize the great regrets of the future today, then how can we escape this kind of subliminal self-sabotage?
The answer lies in a deep reflection on how we imagine ourselves in this unforgiving future to make it inevitable.
This reflection must be organized, using a resource called Obituary.
The Obituary as a Life-Saving Tool
This is a mandatory exercise, with very important pedagogical effects.
The Obituary is to assume that you are dead, and you will be a character who represents a family member, friend, or acquaintance of yours.
As a character, you will write your Obituary, which is a brief narrative of your entire life.
In this document, you will assume that all your highest aspirations have been fulfilled, that you have come to be who you truly dreamed of.
Write as if you were telling the story to a third person, for example:
“Yesterday Gustavo died, he had a life of charity, wealth, strength etc.”
It’s not about telling what you want to be, but how you want to be remembered.
Changing the focus, making this reflection from the outside in, is much more effective in expressing your best.
Your ideal, imaginary version is the one that will guide you through life, judge yourself.
This Obituary can (and must) be remade throughout life, as your aspirations change.
The Purpose of the Obituary
It’s simple.
The environment in which we live takes away our ability to perceive the omission in the face of something we value.
If you don’t have a very clear vision of your “ideal self”, you will be judged by other social elements, such as:
- Your fears.
- Your shyness.
- Your prejudices.
- The pressure from the groups you are part of.
Consequently, the only possible result is total disorientation with your life goals.
So, from now on, let one voice speak within you: your best possible version.
