A Letter to my 9 year old in Heaven

To my dear Hope on your 9th birthday,

You would be nine today, dear girl. I wonder what you are like now. Are you a lot like the one who came after you? Docile, kind, reserved, but fun. Or are you more like the two middles? Loud, in your face, and loads of laughs. Is your hair blonde like three of your siblings? Or is it dark brown like the one? Do you have dark or light eyes?

At first, I started writing these questions in the hypothetical sense or “would be’s.” But then I stopped myself….because I believe you exist in a very real and physical sense. I believe you are with Jesus, loving life and worshiping Him perfectly everyday. You never had to taste brokenness or sadness or disease. You were born perfect into Heaven, and are perfect even now. Three more siblings joined you. You were the first. I pray they are with you now, and you are living happily together in Paradise, loved and cared for by our Perfect Heavenly Father.

I still get very sad and angry at times and do not understand why you had to leave us so soon. But I guess one day, all my questions will be answered, or they won’t matter anymore. And one day, I will have four beautiful children who meet me at the Pearly Gates after my time on Earth is done. And I will have the privilege of living and worshiping with you for all eternity.

This year is the first year since you were born that I haven’t been overly sad or weepy. Does that mean I am “getting over” you? Never. I could never and will never forget you. You and your three other siblings will always be in my heart. Especially you, dear girl. I held you and looked into your face. I felt you in my arms and had to give you away. That was the worst pain I had ever experienced. I had never hurt so much.

But God has been faithful to us. I could write out all the ups and downs and roller coaster life happenings, but suffice it to say, it’s been a very full decade of desiring, then carrying, then losing or birthing babies. I have felt the span of emotions from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. So, maybe it’s okay that I feel a little more steady this year. I still feel sad, but life is full, and I have so much to be grateful for. My arms will always feel a little empty on this particular day, and I will always remember the heartache I experienced. But God has taken care of me, and I know He is taking care of you, dear girl.

I love you so much. Looking forward to the day when we will embrace and be with each other for Forever.

Until then, I’m sending my love.

Your Mommy