Suddenly Very Outnumbered
Anxiety. We have all experienced it to some degree in our lives. That unwanted feeling when your heart rate just won’t slow down and worrisome thoughts flood your mind constantly. The transition from two to three kids has surfaced this emotion in me more than ever before.
Not just because my youngest has a cleft lip and has experienced difficulty feeding, extra doctor appointments, wearing a retainer-like device 24 hours a day, and awaiting a major surgery. Yes, this is certainly part of it. I realized recently, however, that never before have I had this many people depending on me for their very safety and livelihood. Most of their days are spent largely with me alone, and it is up to me to keep them alive, fed, and away from danger.
This immense responsibility has left me feeling completely inadequate and largely out of control. It’s been highly unpleasant, but I think it is the exact place the Lord wants me to be.
Never before have I felt so weak.
Never before have I felt so scared I would get it wrong.
Never before have I felt so out of control.
I do not have three eyes. I do not have three hands. So, there is a large portion of my day I must trust God to take care of my children when I am not looking.
Yes, I can do my best to create a safe environment, make everyone hold hands while crossing the road, and keep sharp objects out of little hands reach. But at the end of the day, the Lord must shield them, take care of them, and keep them from harm. I know this to be true, yet the anxiety remains.
I would like to say I have “overcome” this issue in my life and am now living in the sweet victory of peace. Instead, it is a day to day, moment by moment surrender. Surrendering my “need” for control, my intense love for my children, my desire for a life free from pain, and my fear of loss. I must cling to Truth, and the truth that has been particularly comforting as of late is the sweet balm of Psalm 23:
The Lord is my Shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths bringing honor to His name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (NLT)
Thank you, Jesus, for the blessing of these three children, the blessing of weakness, the blessing of inadequacy, the blessing of being out of control. For it is here I meet my dear Shepherd. It is here I find my hope.
