What to do when the child starts crying or yelling?
“Children will listen to you after they feel listened to”- Jane Nelsen
Sometimes strong feelings can surface through play. It can be frustrating to me as a parent because I feel I’ve made the effort to play with my kids, only to be rewarded by tears and shouts. When that happens to me, there are a few tips that help me cope and respond better.
- One strategy when things are getting a little out of hand is to say: “Everyone’s starting to get a little frustrated (naming the emotion), let’s have a giggle fest (when everyone pretends to laugh until they are really laughing) or a thumb wrestling world championship” to restore a playful mood.
- If a child becomes aggressive, you can make a funny sad face, or hold him firmly and say: “I’ll let you go once you can look at me in the eyes and we can be connected again”.
- Do not send child alone to cry. Try to hug them. If they don’t want to be touched, stand just the right distance from the child, and progressively move closer. Don’t leave the room to allow for reconnection.
- If a child gets hurt, some children appreciate telling the story of how they hurt themselves several times as a way to process their emotions. I always ask mine in a calm voice : “Oh that must hurt. Where did you get hurt? What happened?”. The calming effect is immediate.
- If children are fighting over a toy, grab the toy and play and run and say “I will not share this toy with anyone” in a playful voice.
- If the child is having a tantrum/anger crisis (especially common for 2–4 year olds), ask yourself: What do you think the child is trying to express through the tantrums? This can help address the root cause. For instance, if the child is trying to express that he is not getting enough attention, setting aside playtime with each parent may help. In all cases, let a tantrum run its course, stay near the child, remain emotionally available . Do not send the child to his room alone. Teach them that nothing inside them is too awful to be shared. Once the storm is over, you will be closer than ever.
- Look underneath the surface at the child’s feelings and needs — imagine the child’s behavior is a coded message for “I feel X, I need Y”. For instance, you can say: “You seem sad, I am going to comfort you.”
And most importantly… always reconnect after the storm— offer forgiveness without being asked, cuddle, apologize, spend more time rather than less together when things have gone wrong, tell everyone in the family something you appreciate about the child. This is a way for the child to not think of themselves as “bad’’, which could lead to more destructive behaviour later on.
What to do if the child does not accept losing? How can I help my child learn how to lose?
My 5-year-old hates losing, and yet losing is part of play. In fact, learning how to lose calmly and show resilience is one of the most important things as parents we can teach our kids.
There are a few ways to help with losing:
- Play some cooperative games or team games with older kids/parents. By playing on a team, the child will take losing less personally. He/she be able to witness the good behaviour of the older participants as role models.
- Before the game starts, coach you child. You can say: “We are going to play a game and this means one of us is going to lose. Who likes winning? (everyone puts hand up)? Who likes losing? (no one puts hand up). Are you still willing to play? (Assuming child says yes). Show me the face you will do if you lose (Child laughs and shows unhappy face). Ok, now let’s play and even if I win, I can see you won’t get angry.”
- When you play, try to match your strength to the child’s, so they feel challenged but not discouraged. I try to let my child win about 60% of the time, so they feel good about themselves, but also get used to losing and still want to continue to play.
- If they lose, still praise the effort “I could see that you concentrated really well today, you should be proud of yourself”.
You can also play games about winning and losing. For instance, you and your child can toss a coin. If the side of the coin you chose comes up (let’s say heads), then you must act very happy and your child must act very angry. If the side your child choses comes up, you pretend to be very sad (fake crying) and your child must act very happy. It’s a way to destigmatize losing and show that in life, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, regardless of ability.
To be honest, my son’s losing skills are still work in progress, but I feel helping him to learn how to lose better is a journey worth continuing.
