CRYPTID ALERT: K.K. Slider
You’ve heard of Bigfoot, Mothman, the Loch Ness Monster, and the Alaskan Bull Worm. You’ve done deep dives into some obscure wiki pages and watched 144p Youtube footage past midnight off a Mountain Dew trying to learn anything and everything about them. You’ve even tried camping out in your backyard trying to spot one of these evil, evil cryptids and prove their existence to the tiny-brained universe.
You’ve done so much, but even still, these creatures remain shrouded in mystery.
I’ve done some extensive research over the past month (since October 25th, 2017, to be exact) looking into one such cryptid, and have found definite proof of a demon hiding right under all of our noses for the longest time.
K.K SLIDER.
Following the model of virtually every mobile game in existence, Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp launched alongside a few events. Two of these events are standard, run-of-the-mill mobile game clichés: free items and discounted currency (with more free items). The final event, however, is definitely the coolest thing out of the lot. Available for purchase, for a limited time only, are the chairs of Animal Crossing celebrities K.K. Slider and Tom Nook. Setting up either of these seats attracts the respective villager to your campsite.
There’s nothing inherently wrong about any of this: seeing either of these bozos relaxing on your property is objectively good and pure. If this was all that the special furniture did, I wouldn’t mind in the slightest. Unfortunately, there’s more. The name of the game here is look, but do not touch. I made the mistake of tapping K.K. Slider in the middle of his guitar set and What I Saw Next Will Shock You: the boy is not wearing any clothes, and it is disgusting.
Now, this is nothing new: only a select few villagers actually wear anything more than the bare minimum t-shirt or sweater. Furthermore, K.K. Slider specifically has been a nude artist since day ONE. The problem is that up until this point, we have never seen a completely bare, upright K.K. — the coward usually hides behind DJ equipment or his guitar.
In Pocket Camp, whenever you talk to a villager, they stand up and any items obstructing your vision disappear. For K.K. Slider, this means exposing him in all of his pale, white glory. He looks gross and terrifying and I just want him to put the guitar back on and sit down. No one knew he would be this ugly.
Perhaps I’m being too judgmental, imposing our own human norms of civility on a society that is run by animals. I don’t think I am — I believe in these creatures and appreciate the societal harmony that they've proved themselves capable of achieving in past iterations of the game. They deserve a better musical icon than K.K. Slider. Sure, he hands out bootlegs of his own tracks at the end of coffee nights to undermine the dookie music industry, and sure, he DJs for free at Club LOL. Is this worth the pain and suffering that his indecency causes? I’ll leave that up to you to decide.
Always on the hunt™,
Daniel
