Friends in High Places
Ever since I was young, I’ve been terrified of home invasion. It didn’t help that I went through an intense Law & Order SVU watching phase when I was 13 — especially because I was the demographic of most of the victims. I became untrustworthy of unfamiliar sounds, walking around at night, and still to this day hate being home alone. One time I actually forced my friend next door to come over just to investigate a spooky sound that was coming from my basement. Wielding frying pans as weapons we descended the stairs, only to discover it was just the zipper from a jacket banging around in the dryer. But I digress.
I convinced myself that I needed to be constantly vigilant in my house full of creaky stairs and dark closets. If I ever turned an unlit corner in my house and there was an axe murderer right there, I needed a defense tactic. I decided I would punch them. Sock it to ’em right there. This would save me or give me enough time to get away.
This stupid idea developed into a habit, and soon I was walking around my house waving my fists around like an old-timey boxer and regularly punching mid-air, taking practice shots. I catch myself still doing it sometimes because I’m a pure-bred weenie baby.
I thought I was alone in this behaviour. The only thing keeping me sane was being squared up on all occasions. Then, a few weeks ago, I came across this tweet:
I was absolutely floored. Not to sound like a Common White Girl account, but I genuinely thought I was the only one that did this. I thought I invented it! After seeing that tweet, I kinda began to spiral… Is there such thing as an original human thought? Unique human behaviour? Is even my subconscious a repeat of someone else’s? I started thinking more and more about this phenomenon of discovering universal consciousness through posts online. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s ever come across something that we thought to be a unique personal habit or experience being explained as a quirky behaviour on the internet.
The feelings I get when I see these posts are complex; initially, shock. Then, a bit of disappointment, maybe because I didn’t commodify this thought before they did. But then, most peculiarly, a calm feeling of relief. I’m not alone. There are people all over the world that feel the way I do.
In high school I took a class on world cultures & religions and we spent a lot of time discussing the reasons why people feel inclined to practice religion or other forms of spirituality. One main reason was that people want to feel connected to a higher conscience, a groupthink that we can all access once we stop focusing on pedestrian needs like food and shelter. Humans find the most fulfillment when we contribute to a cause or idea that is greater than just ourselves.
Growing up, I never felt connected to any of the religious practices I was exposed to. Whatever this higher conscience was, I didn’t feel it. The main draw of religion, feeling tuned into something capital-G Greater, was lost on me. And because of this obvious disconnect, I began to feel more alone than ever.
Now I’m gonna backtrack for a sec here so you don’t start to think I consider Twitter a religion. All I’m saying is that there have been a few moments when I have read what other people have done or felt and realized that I’m not alone, even if it is some stupid habit I made up like punching the air or risking electrocution to change the song while I’m in the shower. And I appreciate that momentary feeling of comfort.
Maybe one day with age I will begin to feel more inclined towards real spiritualism, but until then, this is enough for me.
