Sometimes, It Feels Good to Suffer
Psychological reasons why you enjoy emotional pain.
“Life is emotionally abusive,” Taylor Swift croons through the stereo as I’m grappling with emotional masochism.
There’s a woman in my life who I’ve known for decades. Our friendship is difficult and has not felt good for years. I keep dreaming of a big event occurring — the kind we can’t come back from — that finally gives us a reason to separate.
No big moment occurs. And instead of saying how I feel, I trudge through this friendship, sadistically relishing each time she bullies me.
Finally, the friendship ends with an event so minuscule, you’d miss it if you blinked. She texts me and says that she’s done with our friendship. That’s it. I did not reply and we never spoke again.
I was rejected; I was free.
Why do we like emotional pain?
If I’m being honest, a part of me liked being bullied. I was a curious and insecure girl who flocked to staunch, opinionated people. I’d normalized the feeling of “being wrong,” or, “being dumb,” by the time I was 16. Laughing off mean comments and making self-deprecating jokes, hoping that by cutting myself down first another’s criticism wouldn’t hurt me.
