Goyim In The News
August 20, 2017
“I’d Have Braked, But I Could Nazi Her!”
In Charlottesville, Virginia,* this week, a brazen female jaywalker was challenged by a courageous young man armed only with his wits and two tons of rapidly accelerating steel. Taking his civic duty very, very seriously, the heroic driver cleverly used his Dodge staff car to clear the road of 32-year-old offender Heather Heyer—and her cohort of miscreant scofflaws—as they shamelessly wandered into the road well outside of the clearly marked crosswalks.
The driver has been identified by police (though oddly, every time we try entering his name into our computer, the keyboard turns white-hot, leaving horrible burns on the fingers of the 14 junior copy editors we made try). Meanwhile, there’s speculation that… that person may have been inspired by this video, in which another fearless, community-loving young man dissolves into uncontrollable tears of anxiety.
GITN reached out to the White House for comment. Unemployed 23-year-old cat groomer Lamar Depew of West Virginia (whose mobile number, coincidentally, is the same as that of the White House switchboard, but with the last two digits reversed) told us he’d watched the video of the incident online. “What were the cops thinking? There musta been thousands of ’em out there, and not a one of ’em gave that young lady a ticket. White folks s’posed to just stand by and watch that happen, right here in our country? Where’s the justice in that?”
*) Motto: Slavery: We Were Never Really That Into It… I Mean, Not Really
Free to Be a Big Nazi
Responding swiftly only several hours later, President Trump took a moment away from reciting his many, many accomplishments to note that something seemed to have happened in Charlottesville, and that everybody was equally to blame. Before resuming the lengthy enumeration of his achievements as leader of the Free World, Trump took an additional moment to thank the Charlottesville police force. While the President did not specify what, exactly, law enforcement had done to deserve his praise, pundits agree that Charlottesville’s Finest had been extremely effective in protecting the Second Amendment rights of Nazis as they incited a riot, issued terrorist threats against synagogues and mosques, and committed premeditated murder.
