Goyim In the News
August 6, 2017
Dropbox Your Briefs
In a surprising departure from its tradition of ignoring all social and technological progress achieved since 1858, the Supreme Court of the United States will soon require that legal filings be submitted electronically. The move signals a return to regular business for the Court, following the disruption caused by the Republican Senate’s successful 293-day-long campaign to prevent the appointment of any additional Jews to the bench.
First Be a Doctor, and THEN You Can Play Football
Not everyone is cut out to become a star athlete. Take offensive lineman John Urschel, who, only two weeks ago, was a considered strong contender to move into the starting center role for the NFL’s Baltimore Ravens. However, unwilling to step up to the role, the 26-year-old veteran elected to retire instead.
You don’t have to be a Ballers fan to know what’s in store for a past-his-prime professional athlete. His glory days well behind him, he finds himself trapped in a meaningless job, trading on his rapidly diminishing fame, desperately seeking some way to finance a future outside the spotlight.
Sadly, Urschel appears to be following this well-worn path. Forced to return to school full time, he’s receiving vocational training as a PhD candidate in applied mathematics at MIT. He remains optimistic, despite struggling to make his mark in his new career, with the exception of the publication of a handful of peer-reviewed papers on workaday topics like centroidal Voronoi tessellations, nodal decompositions of Fiedler vectors, and minimal Laplacian eigenvectors.
Learning a new trade may be challenging, but when you’re accustomed to a schedule packed with two-a-days, endorsement deals, and ESPN interviews, a day in the life of the ex-athlete can move pretty slowly. To pass the time, the future Doctor Urschel has taken up competitive chess.
What led the former footballer to chose a grinding, dead-end career like mathematics? We can only speculate. Some attribute the choice to an event, years ago, in which the 300-lb., 6'3" Urschel bumped into a skinny Jewish kid outside his high school’s AP Calculus classroom, instantly absorbing the smaller boy.
What is it We’re Supposed to be “Dunkin’”, Then?
Dunkin’ Donuts, America’s favorite source of deep fried happiness (and Type II diabetes), has decided to de-emphasize the delightful, diet-destroying treats for which they are named. In a significant marketing shift, the company’s newest restaurant — opening this week in Pasadena — will simply be called Dunkin’, catering to the crowd with coffee, rather than carbohydrates. The brilliantly conceived strategy liberates the nationwide chain from the clingy loyalty of generations of depressed, lonely, and/or obese customers, freeing it to directly confront a competitor that currently controls every street corner in the Western Hemisphere.
