Goyim In the News
July 23, 2017
Juice Spilled
Orenthal James Simpson, who definitely did not murder two people in cold blood in 1994 — and definitely is legally responsible for their deaths — jumped a final legal hurdle on Friday, crossing the plane back into society after serving nine years for a separate, non-fatality-producing felony. Simpson, known primarly for his leading roles in The Naked Gun, The Naked Gun 2½, and The Naked Gun 33⅓, exulted in the victory, remarking, “First of all, all glory to God. The Nevada Department of Corrections has some strong talent, and they have my respect. But my legal team has prepared for this moment all year, and they didn’t let the NDOC slow me down at all. This is really their win; I’m just happy to be here.”
At press time, unsolved-murder victims Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman could not be reached for comment, as they are dead.
Lessons Learned
As Simpson’s parole hearing unfolded on Thursday, cable news organizations across the nation interrupted regular programming to broadcast the event live. Undeterred by the coma-inducing pace of the formal legal proceedings—which, notably, featured neither a halftime show nor cheerleaders of any kind — news directors abruptly and uniformly turned their attention from Russian espionage, international terrorism, and the Senate healthcare bill to offer simultaneous nationwide coverage of an aging convict expounding barely comprehensible self-justifications before a panel of low-level civil servants.
“Covering the hearing was a no-brainer,” explained Calvin Hearst Jr., a spokesman for the American Cable News Association. “Take the 2016 election cycle. Hell, we showed up at Trump’s every last stump speech, broadcasting live from every tiny, god-forsaken shithole in Pennsylvania and Michigan and a bunch of other states nobody goes to voluntarily. The audience loved it — you never knew what deceitful, racist, violence-inciting nonsense the guy was going to spew next!”
“At the end of the day,” Hearst continued, “our viewers were entertained, and our ratings had never been higher. A total win/win! And since Trump got elected, Americans have barely been able to take their eyes off the screen.”
Hearst paused thoughtfully for a moment, concluding, “That experience really taught us something, I’ll tell you that.”
Hearts Broken, Brains Unmended
Finally, Goyim In The News is sad to report that former Naval Aviator, prisoner-of-war, and Republican Presidential nominee Senator John McCain has disclosed that he underwent surgery this week for an incurable form of brain cancer.
While McCain’s prognosis is not yet known, experts say that patients suffering from this type of cancer have a median life expectancy of about 14 months. Treatment for the disease can cost non-senators and their families upwards of $80,000 –$140,000 in just the first six months. Members of Congress, however — as beneficiaries of taxpayer-subsidized health insurance purchased through exchanges established by Obamacare — enjoy a life of freedom from the mundane fear of sudden, healthcare-related financial ruin.
Stunned by the news of the widely-respected Senator’s illness, Democrats and Republicans joined together in praise for McCain’s many accomplishments, and in prayer for his unlikely recovery. On the floor of the Senate, members spent several inspiring minutes exchanging consoling hugs and tear-filled stories before resuming debate on the Republican proposal to deny healthcare access to 32 million Americans.
