Goyim In the News

July 9, 2017

Long-Distance Bromance Consummated in Hamburg

The American was brash but insecure, much older yet oddly inexperienced. The Russian was brazen, even ruthless; yet he was also surprisingly sensitive, finding deep spiritual satisfaction in everyday activites like spying, genocide, and horseback riding while topless (er, the Russian, not the horse, although technically I suppose the horse… never mind). The Russian spotted the American from afar, shyly asking his old school friends from his Kappa Gamma Beta fraternity days to introduce them. “Show some respect,” the Russian advised them. “Meet with the family first. Assure them that my intentions are honorable.”

From those humble beginnings sprang an unlikely relationship that would change history. For years, the star-crossed leaders conducted their courtship via Twitter, or in coy little messages, hand delivered to the American by the Russian’s KGB brothers, with the discreet and devoted assistance of the future National Security Advisor to the President of the United States.

But this week, at the G-20 conference in Europe’s famed City of Love — Hamburg, Germany — Donnie from Queens and Vlad from Leningrad finally spent some private time alone, just the two of them (plus the Russian Minister of Foreign Affairs, the US Secretary of State, and two translators). Nobody is saying what went on behind closed doors, but one thing is clear: it was the American people who got shtupped.

Fireworks

This week, white Americans belonging to every generation, either of two cis genders, and any of the many forms of Christianity marked the 241st year of independence from the heartless and unjust rule of others. The traditional Fourth of July barbecues, fireworks, and traumatized pets fell, as they do each year, just two days after the joyful observance by African Americans of the anniversary of their own liberating document, the Civil Rights Act. The Caucasion commemorations largely eclipsed those of their melanin-enhanced countrymen, however, as — unlike the 1964 Act — the Declaration of Independence has not of late been substantially nullified by the Supreme Court.