June 25, 2017
Goyim in the News
How Was the Prom, Grandma?
Ninety-two year old Mary Matsuda Gruenwald graduated this week from Vashon High School, a short ferry ride from Seattle. Three-quarters of a century ago, Granny Gruenwald — who is Japanese-American — was preparing to graduate from the school (you think it takes your wife a long time to get ready?) when some nice gentlemen in neatly pressed uniforms suggested an attractive alternative: Get on this bus, they kindly offered. Now. For the next two years, Mary and her family enjoyed luxurious accommodations provided — free of charge! — by the United States government at a concentration camp in Anal Fissure, California. (Thank God, since that time the American people have taken the lessons of WWII to heart, and will never again punish an entire ethnic group because of the actions of other members of that group.) Rumors suggesting that, after the ceremony, Gruenwald was discovered under the athletic field bleachers making out with Vashon High’s star point guard, Evan Warren, 18, have not been verified.
Son of (Ha-)Man
Unorthodox Jew and Acting Under-Secretary of Nepotism Jared Kushner flew to Israel this week, where he was reportedly shocked to discover that his arrival did not bring about an immediate reconciliation of all conflicts. Kushner blames the failure on “illegal leaks” in the Book of Ezekiel.
Unhealthy Behavior
Senate Majority Leader and Dick Tracy villain Pruneface dopplegänger Mitch McConnell released double-secret Republican “healthcare” legislation on Thursday. Ignoring the “Do Not Open Until Christmas” injunction printed on the cover, the unrepentant leakers at the New York Times, Washington Post, and other fake news outlets immediately deployed their Enigma machines in an effort to decode the bill. In keeping with the “compassionate conservative” mantra coined by George W. Bush, the Act would leave millions uninsured, send bubbe and zayde’s premiums skyrocketing, and rip the IVs out of the arms of pediatric cancer patients (of course, the bill doesn’t require healthcare providers to actually rip out the IVs; they may do so gently, as long as they “do not substantively delay the termination of care for dying children”. Or words to that effect). In a speech that can only be heard by playing the Beatles’ White Album backwards at exactly 33 1/3 RPM, McConnell highlights the cost reductions to be realized under the crypto-legislation in consequence of the millions of lingering, painful deaths that will certainly result from its passage.
