June 18, 2017

Goyim in the News

Honey, I’m Home!

In 2005, stunning international model Melania Knauss — who definitely was not a call girl, escort, or prostitute — married the man of her dreams: a Jabba the Hutt look-alike twenty-three years her senior who, in a remarkable stroke of luck, was also a billionaire. Well, nearly five months after the inauguration, Mrs. Trump and son have finally moved into the White House. Apparently the delay was required in order to allow the Secret Service time to develop new lockdown and evacuation protocols for the First Lady, should her bashert ever come into physical contact with her.

A Father’s Day Gift to America’s Dad

A largely white jury in Pensylvania has deadlocked, allowing Bill Cosby, charged with (approximately) 3,982,376,498 counts of rape, to return to his career as a beloved icon of family-friendly humor. Not very long ago, an African-American man similarly accused would be fortunate to have survived mob justice to stand trial at all. But today, all men — black or white, Jew or gentile — are given a truly equal opportunity to engage in violence against women without repurcussion. God bless the goldeneh Medina!

Also, Take Out the Garbage

Today is goyische Father’s Day, the one day of the year in which your Jewish mother steps back to allow her spouse his (or her — who are we to judge?) brief moment in the spotlight. So, on behalf of myself and Jewish dads everywhere, I urge you to get your Abbeleh what he really wants on this special day: turn off the goddamned lights when you leave the room for a change.