How we teach boys to be misogynists

The title is a modified form of the all too common phrase “boys will be boys”. To say that the latter phrase is an encapsulation of our forgiving tendencies toward men would be an understatement. If anything, this phrase that parents and adults casually repeat to children would be an early exposure to rape culture, toxic masculinity, misogyny, and the deeply rooted patriarchy that thrives in most cultures. (I can just imagine the misogynists rolling their eyes)

It should be noted that when I say ‘boy’ I am referring to boys and men of all ages that still act like boys. It should also be noted that yes, I am aware that not ALL men act as such. Now that the disclaimers are clear, and no one will cry out the infuriating remark ‘not all men’, let’s continue.

Boys will be boys

A rapist’s sentence may be reduced because they were drunk when committing the crime but the victim is often blamed for having been drunk and thus had ‘let it happen’. If this is not the epitome of male-forgiveness (yes, I made this word up) at play, I don’t know what is.

Boys will be boys not because of some innate quality that the XY chromosome bestows upon them from birth. Boys will be boys because boys CAN be boys. A boy hit a girl? He just likes her! A boy didn’t take ‘no’ for an answer? Well, you shouldn’t have led him on in the first place! A boy made a rape joke? Don’t be so sensitive, why can’t you take a joke?

I’m pretty sure that most of you have heard these phrases or something similar. It’s pretty clear that we as a society are great at excusing such behaviors, and to prevent the consequences of these actions, we put the responsibility on girls to not ‘trigger’ it in the first place. We tell girls to be complacent so that they don’t get assaulted, to not go out late at night, to not wear ‘provocative’ outfits, to lock your car doors the moment you get in the car, to be hyper-aware of your surroundings, to take off your earphones when walking at night, e.t.c.

Boys can be boys but Girls cannot be girls.

Girls cannot be girls

This subtitle ‘Girls cannot be girls’ not only refers to the various precautions that women have to take for their survival as previously discussed, but that they literally cannot be girls without scrutiny or mocking. We are taught from a young age, through our surroundings and mostly by the media, that femininity is bad. The hyper-feminine character is usually the villainous wench that fails in her pursuit of the male protagonist while the tomboy, chill girl who doesn’t care about her weight or looks gets the guy. *cough cough, High School Musical*

This naturally causes hyper-femininity to be associated with being catty and unlikable.

Liking pink, dressing up, makeup, and a whole host of typical feminine qualities were disliked and considered cringe, being deemed undesirable in the male gaze. We are supposed to be effortlessly hot, not work for it! This explains the phase that most girls go through, known as the ‘I’m not like other girls’ phase, (a.k.a The Pick Me era).

The prominent qualities of this unfortunate timeline are the raging internalized misogyny and thirst for male validation, where girls learn to subconsciously see every other girl as competition to her throne as the best ‘not like other girl’ girl. They belittle other girls for liking feminine things and from departing from femininity, acquire the title of being “unique”.

Now, an interesting comparison is when boys say that they are ‘not like other guys’. This is a phrase that is often thrown around in the dating scene, and it usually means something like this: I will actually care about you and provide the bare minimum of what is usually required in a relationship but you will think that I’m doing a lot because the standard of performance required of men in a relationship is in hell. The unfortunate truth is that the boys that say this phrase will not usually be the ones that treat you well.

‘Not like other girls’ means that girls adopt internalized misogyny due to the rampant messages that belittle femininity and women in general, posing them as mere trophies for men to acquire. In comparison, the phrase ‘Not like other guys’ means that the guy is not as trashy (supposedly).

“They [male rapists or criminals] are almost always referred to as ‘promising young man’ whether it’s a case like this of assault of if they get a gun and do something completely reprehensible. There’s always this inclination to be forgiving” — Emerald Fennell