Living with Depression/ Bipolar
I lived with a wonderful woman for the past 28 years. Because I love her I would literally do anything for her and I did, I suppressed huge parts of myself in order to live peacefully with her and to give her a wonderful life. Last week I wrote a poem: Spirit Chained, Spirit Unbound, which I include in this post, in it’s entirety, for you dear Readers.
Spirit Chained, Spirit Unbound
Every time I look at you,
Shadows form a shroud,
The memories cling fast,
You are there, but not.
A pact we formed,
Not in words, in spirit,
A bond of trust, unbreakable,
And yet there it lies, a ruin.
My spirit cannot move on,
Still bound to that Shadow,
Of what you once were,
Sorry, I can’t be happy for you.
The days tick by unresolved,
My mind flashes back,
I hear you walking by and smile,
Then I remember, and weep.
My lonely spirit is held here,
Broken, awaiting your return,
You are there, I know,
Altered, happy, spirit unbound.
I have been her rock, her crutch, I have enabled her to a point of dependence on me and when I started transition last year she all of a sudden realized that I would no longer be there for her, not as I was. I could not be the normal relationship that allowed her to hide her issues. She attacked me with all of the anger and resentment, which she had buried for all these years, powerful negative emotions and I knew full well the source: her mother.
I found this image on this Instagram account, Edgar Family Law, and it summarized for me, in one image, the hell that my partner and friend had endured and still endures. Negative feelings for which she needs an outlet. I performed that function for 28 years, due to my transition she felt that I would not be there any longer and that destroyed her whole world. She still needed to express all this negativity somehow, as well as the new feelings surrounding my transition, so I took it. I took it for months. I wrote down my pain for you, my dear Readers.
On top of her negative feelings toward her mother, and myself, she suffers from a form of depression called Bipolar II. I have known this for years, I have suffered through episodes, I internalized some of the negativity that she needed to expel and it has affected me. Only now, in my 50’s, am I able to reflect back and see what that was doing to me. And yet I do not blame her because she is broken as well. We have both come to the realization that we can no longer live together. Although we tried this new arrangement neither of us were ready to let go, she needed me and I needed her. We are clearly not the old married couple we once pretended to be, but we thought we could work out something; turns out no, not really.
I am looking for a new place to live, at the same time I am looking for a new job, at the same time I am dating again (after 28 years) and this is all swirling around me as I try to piece together my own feelings toward her now. This person whom I love, but I can no longer live with. Who I was once attracted to romantically and sexually, but no longer, this person with whom I planned to grow old, on a tropical beach. My world is gone too. I loved our life too, but I could no longer live with the lie that I was this stand up guy, her rock, it was killing me, no matter how much I tried to deny the truth.
I lived with this person for 28 years, and were it not for my transition we would still be together. We still love each other but we cannot be together. I will write much more about this topic in future I am sure, because I am no where close to fully exploring my feelings in this short post.
I hope you enjoy my poetry. Take care dear Readers.
Love Bobbi ❤