Social Anxiety Disorder

photo taken by and belonging to the author

For as long as I can remember, I was shy little Haley

Cute as a button and always a little too quiet in public

But a hell of a riot at home

No one had quite the right words for what I was experiencing

So they threw up whatever descriptor they could find like last night’s dinner

So…shy

Shy like flower buds blooming after a particularly long winter

Or a splinter peeking out from beneath your skin

But when it comes to having a full blown disorder

When you’re older

“Shy” turns into “why is she still like this?”

And “shouldn’t she have been over it by now?”

You don’t know how to express your distress or ask for help

Because no one understands why you can’t do what everyone else can do…

And neither can you…

So you go to therapy

Practice social skills as if you’re learning the history of the world

Feeling all of this pressure landing onto one tiny girl

And it shows, cracking and crumbling like a cookie fresh out of the oven

Shoving the anxiety down

Getting better enough just to get by

You don’t want to admit it but you hate that you’re like this

Perpetually different

But you grin and bear it because it’s what you’re stuck with

Something you have to accept