Telling Myself I’m Straight : Internalised Homophobia
Like my skin colour
and my height,
my sexuality is something that I cannot change,
try as I might
(and, trust me, I have tried).
Crying myself to sleep at night
because
‘Why can’t I just be normal?’
(straight).
Forcing myself to go on dates
with men,
dressing all femme,
trying to turn myself into one of them
(straight).
Telling myself I’m she/her
even though, most days, I don’t feel like a woman at all.
Wishing that I could change my pronouns to they/them
but I can’t
because
I don’t even know why I can’t but
alas
here we are again,
having to pretend
that every time I see a pretty woman my whole body doesn’t feel like it’s going to transcend
into another universe —
heaven.
Women make me feel something
and when I’ve spent my whole life feeling nothing
that both excites me
and terrifies me
at the same time.
And so, in the end
it’s easier to just pretend
that I’m still
numb
(straight).
