The Mermaid Problem
Let me tell you about the one that got away
Well the danger on the rocks is surely past
Still I remain tied to the mast
Could it be that I have found my home at last
Home at last
–Steely Dan
Minutes of the Bridgeport Connecticut Harbor Commission’s August Meeting
August 8, 2023
The meeting was called to order at 5:00 PM.
Roll call
Commissioners
- Richard Tolbert, Chair
- Ivonna Paxton, Vice Chair
- Reginald Ray, Secretary
- Natasha Dukes, Commissioner
- Gil Hawkins, Commissioner
- Serena Bourke, Commissioner
Staff
- Jarred Baldwin, Harbormaster
- Delicia Stacey, Administrative Support Specialist
Pledge of Allegiance
- Commissioner Bourke
Public Comments
- Kevin Herbertson complained that the kite surfers were scaring the fish away from the fishing pier on Central Avenue.
- Ayden Chambers asked that something done about the yahoos who speed through the harbor leaving gigantic wakes.
Current Business
Commissioner Hawkins was given the floor to present his report on the mermaid (henceforth known as MM) which several eyewitnesses had reported seeing in Bridgeport Harbor in early June. Since her first appearance, she has caused considerable destruction.
Ships entering the harbor notice her when she begins to sing. The crew of any ship within earshot of her song appear to temporarily lose all rational thought. During these episodes, the pilot turns the helm sharply causing the vessel to crash on the rocks. The casualties so far have been 5 container ships, 2 barges, 8 tugboats and 19 personal watercraft, including the Mayor’s JetSki.
Commission Chair Tolbert asked “What is she singing?”
Discussion ensued that her song was Beyond The Sea by Bobby Darin. The commissioners were unanimous in their opinions that it is a great song.
Commissioner Dukes asked “Does she have a permit to sing on a buoy? Maybe we can fine her.”
Discussion ensued about the challenges of enforcing a permitting violation on an individual who causes boats to crash on the rocks as they approach her.
Commissioner Hawkins next listed the steps that had been taken to solve the problem. The Harbor Police sent out a cruiser to intercept the MM. Sargent Steve Grant was piloting the cruiser. As the vessel came within 20 feet of the MM, she began to sing. Sargent Grant, upon hearing her song steered the boat toward the rocks and crashed. Thankfully all officers aboard were rescued.
The Coast Guard was brought to form a plan to convince the MM to leave the harbor and swim out to sea. Senior Chief Petty Officer Manu Sharma contacted Dr. Rosenda Rodriguez, Executive Director of Marine Biology for the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute, to ask how to safely approach the MM. Dr. Rodriguez could offer no help, explaining that the Institute has no research on MMs.
Harbormaster Baldwin asked if any attempt to find a MM expert had been made.
Discussion ensued that a request for proposals had been issued to locate consultants with MM expertise. From the proposals we received, many had degrees from questionable or nonexistent universities. In one of the proposals the consultant claimed that for $2,500,000, payable to an account in the Cayman Islands, he would create a telepathic link to the mermaid. Once he established this link, he would compel her to summon her purple unicorn and they would ride off, never to be seen again. After reviewing the remaining proposals we received, we determined that all of these consultants were either kooks or charlatans.
Commissioner Hawkins continued his report. After consulting with her advisors, Senior Chief Petty Officer Sharma, told the Commander of the USCGC Norman, “When you hear her start to sing, put your fingers in your ears.” By the end of the day’s operation, two of the Coast Guard’s cutters had run aground on the rocks.
The harbor authorities were running out of options. An associate of Commissioner Hawkins recommended Merton Waller. As Mr. Waller is deaf, he could not hear the MM’s song. This seemed like a promising option. Special arrangements had to be made with the Coast Guard to allow Mr. Waller to pilot his fishing boat in the harbor. Because he couldn’t hear, he couldn’t monitor any radio communications from the command center. But the Coast Guard agreed the situation was dire and approved this plan.
On July 28, Mr. Waller departed from the Harbor Police dock at 9:26 AM and set his helm to intercept the MM. His vessel was 15 feet from the her perch on the buoy when a tugboat heading fast for the rocks smashed into his fishing boat and sunk it. Mr. Waller had to swim to shore.
In closing, Commissioner Hawkins proposed that the Harbor Commission convene a meeting to hire a consultant. That consultant will form a committee which will oversee a task force to study the MM problem. Their findings should be ready early next year.
Commissioner Hawkins signaled that this concluded his report.
Adjournment
- As there was no further business on the agenda, Vice Chair Paxton made a motion that the meeting be adjourned.
- Commissioner Bourke seconded the motion.
Next Meeting
- Commission Chair Tolbert scheduled the next meeting for Tuesday, September 5 at 5:00 PM.
Note from the author: The Bridgeport Harbor Commission, the Coast Guard and the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute are real organizations. The Bridgeport Harbor also has a Harbormaster. But this is a work of fiction so all of the names I used for this story are fictional as well.
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