eulogy

we sit around a dining table
filling its six chairs
there’s no seat for him anyway
we’d have to grab an extra

but he wouldn’t sit
if he were here
he would fidget and move
from room to room
his whole life lived
as an unmatched piece

we sit calmly with our fragile hearts
each word, each thought
still weighted, unnatural
feeling he might walk in at any moment
unaffected, loud and chattering
wanting to know what is all this stuff
we’re so focused on
strewn out on the table

what it is, is his life
two grocery sacks
full of papers and envelopes
a trail of transactions
some denied and unopened
some answers to questions
new questions created

the patterns of a life
in printouts and statements
notices and formalities
his days recorded in a ledger
of bad decisions, repeated
choices made long ago
the existence of alternatives forgotten
a way to live, a way to survive
but not forever

it is a relief not to be the one
who gathered up these papers
could I have done if called upon?
or would I have run screaming from the house
unable to bear the sight of his things, newly orphaned
the clattering emptiness of his daily tools, suspended in time

we discuss the formalities of death
the obligations and observations
the dates, the times, the places
not the first time his arrangements
being made by others

we pencil in the observance of our grief carefully
so as not to conflict with the pot pie supper
a life becomes a row of text
in a box on a calendar
an outline left to the rest of us
to sort and decipher
squinting and straining
to see who he truly was
fill in the empty spaces

we talk and wonder and refill our coffee
try to unravel the mysteries of a life
we make plans and share stories
build ways in our heads to think about this
agreements between us, silent but open
about what this will be
how we will see it, how we will live it
what it will mean for the story of our family