I thought that I would never hurt her.
I thought that I would never hurt her.
Blaming destiny for my mistakes when it was me who chose to make them over and over again.
I was like the waves which crash against the shore during a storm,
I kept crashing into her without realizing that I was the one breaking her.
That it was me who was responsible for those silent tears which she shed when she was alone,
for the happy face, she put on after every fight,
for those hours when she sat alone in her room,
thinking what had she done wrong and why did none of it feel right.
Yet, the next day when the rays of light entered her room,
she would rise with renewed hope.
She would think to herself that I love him even with all of his mistakes,
and I’ll be with him no matter how much it hurts.
She is the only girl I’ve ever loved,
the one who made me feel strong.
While I broke her down and wore her down,
slowly like a torturer would at ease,
twisting the knife when it was deep inside her gut.
I’ve broken her soul into a million pieces with my excuses.
“It’s a habit”,
“It is just the way I am,
were the things I told her.
But in reality, they were the lies I told myself.
Repeatedly for my failures,
for my broken promises which would never mend,
the heart of the beautiful soul I had hurt.
I can go on and on about the mistakes that I’ve made.
The million times that I have broken her heart,
for the days which she has spent tormented by doubts,
her silence only a sign of her anguish.
Yet when she met me a smile would come to her lips,
but her eyes seemed lost in thoughts she didn’t want to believe in.
“Does he yet love me?”
“Does he still care?”
“Why is he doing this to me?”
“Is it all a lie when he tells me he’ll always be there?”
I’ve seen that look in her eyes everytime I hurt her and then apologized.
“Is this the last time this is going to happen?”
“Are the promises he’s making real?”
Yet, she waits in silence with faith in me.
She doesn’t know when will it be that I holler at her again,
or when she’ll finally get the love,
that I told her is there.
This is not a reminder of how bad I have been
or a promise to not let her down again.
This is an apology for promising to save her,
for not loving her when no one else did,
for not being there her when no one else was,
and for disappointing her over and over again.
Forgiveness is not what I want.
It is her love and the warmth that we had which I want again.
Because deep down I know that she the only girl I was born to love,
even though I may not be the person she wants to fall in love with again.
-Babar Mir
