Selfish

With you

I learned that safety is an illusion

I learned that you wanted me

Enough to toss every warning aside

I wonder if you realize the ways you torment me

That the words play on a loop

I wonder if you struggle the ways I do

Wanting to leave and come at the same time

Stuck in the in between

Looped words running my emotions into the ground

Stuck remembering every word you said

I wonder if you ever wonder

If you ever concern yourself with my reactions

If you ever questioned

Whether I was drowning in your wake

If I ever grew tired from treading your waters

I wonder if you even cared

That your sonic booms came through as white noise

And I sopped up your sound anyway

I’ve noticed the slights you give slack to

The way every feeling crowds the corners of your eyes

In the places

Where the crows have yet to land

The downward curvature of your lips

When retreating into yourself

Baby hairs reaching anxiously for your temples

And how easily you hide

Even without reason

I notice every intricacy you wish you could hide

And still

You hide from me

Halfheartedly you bury your head in hopes

Your nightmares will just go away

I wonder if you know how badly I wanted to chase the demons

How quickly I would dismiss physical desires

To attempt to tend to the most important part of you

I wonder if you recognize

That you are your own catalyst

That your fire resides within you

That you could share your light

If only you commanded yourself to

That dark things only hide in you because you allow them to

That although it isn’t easy

It damn sure isn’t impossible

I wonder

If you consider the repercussions of being in your orbit

I wonder if you can see

The scars you left behind

How badly I wanted to be on your side

That you almost took me out

That all I wanted was to be let in

That you allowed me to think otherwise

While robbing me blindly of clarity

I wonder if you even care that I woke up in the midst of falling

That I came out of your fairytale mid-sentence

That you couldn’t scribble me deeply enough into your notebook to keep me all to yourself without my permission

I wonder if you’re still angry

At me

For your choices

enigma

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