Selfish
With you
I learned that safety is an illusion
I learned that you wanted me
Enough to toss every warning aside
I wonder if you realize the ways you torment me
That the words play on a loop
I wonder if you struggle the ways I do
Wanting to leave and come at the same time
Stuck in the in between
Looped words running my emotions into the ground
Stuck remembering every word you said
I wonder if you ever wonder
If you ever concern yourself with my reactions
If you ever questioned
Whether I was drowning in your wake
If I ever grew tired from treading your waters
I wonder if you even cared
That your sonic booms came through as white noise
And I sopped up your sound anyway
I’ve noticed the slights you give slack to
The way every feeling crowds the corners of your eyes
In the places
Where the crows have yet to land
The downward curvature of your lips
When retreating into yourself
Baby hairs reaching anxiously for your temples
And how easily you hide
Even without reason
I notice every intricacy you wish you could hide
And still
You hide from me
Halfheartedly you bury your head in hopes
Your nightmares will just go away
I wonder if you know how badly I wanted to chase the demons
How quickly I would dismiss physical desires
To attempt to tend to the most important part of you
I wonder if you recognize
That you are your own catalyst
That your fire resides within you
That you could share your light
If only you commanded yourself to
That dark things only hide in you because you allow them to
That although it isn’t easy
It damn sure isn’t impossible
I wonder
If you consider the repercussions of being in your orbit
I wonder if you can see
The scars you left behind
How badly I wanted to be on your side
That you almost took me out
That all I wanted was to be let in
That you allowed me to think otherwise
While robbing me blindly of clarity
I wonder if you even care that I woke up in the midst of falling
That I came out of your fairytale mid-sentence
That you couldn’t scribble me deeply enough into your notebook to keep me all to yourself without my permission
I wonder if you’re still angry
At me
For your choices
— enigma
