Sexual Transmutation (a dream)

I walked down dark streets surrounded by drunk noise. 
People pushed their weight to the next bar. 
My high heels felt so unsure 
and a short dress exposed me to the night 
the way it used to. 
It’s been a long time since I did this I thought
We call this “sexy.” We call this “powerful.” 
I’ve been so serious lately.
This is harmless fun.

I walked into a crowded bar, 
scanned the scene but my girlfriend was not there. 
I shut myself in the bathroom for a few deep breaths. 
It felt wrong. 
A mistake. 
This is not the attention I want.
Have I lost something important?
I can’t stand up against all this.
I wish I were home.

I’m walking down the street now and a man runs up to me. 
I decide he’s Italian.
He’s walking with me and leans into my space.
Resting his hand on my exposed shoulder, 
I ask him not to do that and he apologized. 
He seemed harmless 
until he rested his hand on my shoulder again. 
He’s Italian, they have poor boundaries.

We are having sex but I’m no longer in my body. 
I’m watching myself from the corner of the room. 
It seems like I’m really enjoying it the way I used to. 
Surrendered on my back, legs relaxed and open. 
I notice him using some bubble wrap to massage me. 
I’m impressed by this, but then he moves it toward my face 
and slowly presses down to strangle me. 
I begin resisting and pushing against him. 
I manage to beat him away violently.

Back in my body now, 
I am angry inside
and cautious.
Noticing his face for the first time,
I look him in the eyes while he follows me.
Slowly, I move backward down a dark hallway
I approach a door and reach behind me for the handle. 
Please let this door be unlocked.
Relieved to feel the handle turn, 
I said carefully to him, 
I see exactly who you are, 
I have memorized all the lines on your face 
so that you will be identified.
He watched me slowly shut the door.

It was no longer night time. 
Traumatized inside, I couldn’t remember where I had parked my car. 
So I walked 
and told myself that it didn’t matter if I couldn’t find my car. 
With time and patience 
and pause, 
I would eventually figure it out.


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