Upgrade
Last night
I implanted
sonar
into my brain
skull sawed open
soft pink folds
carefully
pulled apart
a circuit board
wires
lumped under
skin pulled tight
dark blue stitches
matted hair
mostly covering
my new scar
I was worn
and dulled
having wrung
from my senses
all they could give
with my sonar
I will see things
your eyes
cannot
I will forget
myself
in the rush
of discovery
I will deconstruct
magical things
I will become
more
My sonar
is a roaring flood
a thousand
radio stations
squelching
my head
will explode
I can manage almost
thirty seconds
gasping and clawing
the lump under
my skin
the switch
I have to push hard
the scar still tender
I have to turn it off
when it stops
hot battery
pressed against
bone
To endure
torture
I read
you must focus
on a singularity
you must cling
to one image
and maybe
you will not
break
My sonar
is torture
every one
of my nerves
screaming
stop
stop it
stop now
stop
A cat’s face
is so calm
a cat could endure
I will focus
on the face
of a cat
My finger
finds
that lump
I know where
the switch is
I put it there
under the skin
always sore
When I switch
my sonar on
my cat
the calm one
my enduring cat
my cat is with me
until I flip the switch
Then my sonar
demands all
and cats
cannot exist
I think I know
why bats
flap so frantically
sonar tearing
my mind
to pieces
I tried flapping
like a bat
it didn’t help
their bones
are so light
compared to
mine
dolphins
always seem happy
I don’t think
they really use
sonar
a symmetrical skull
it’s roundness
perfectly fit
for hats and glances
a smooth head
is a beautiful thing
my hair
used to hang
without incident
but now
a jumbled mess
(I wanted it)
my sonar
this ugly
thing
now, my senses
do give more
always reminding
always
electrical smelling
heavy aching
neck stiff
constant humming
ears ringing
sweat rolling
over skin
always cold
My sonar
is a teacher
I’ve learned
I want to be less
I know what it is
I really want, now
my upgrade
I just want
to forget
