Breathe …
This post is a follow up to a previous post, … Collapse.
Last Fall was a difficult time for me. Work had become more demanding, and I was beginning to plan my wedding. I was also dealing with a pretty significant case of insomnia, unable to steal more than a couple hours of sleep each night. The increase in workload and the decrease in sleep formed an unpleasant feedback loop.
I was awake, but I wasn’t very aware. Hobbies I had enjoyed, like blogging on this site, were no longer giving me the same satisfaction. I wanted to say something about current events, and my own mental state, but I struggled to find the words. For some time, writing about current events in the Global War on Terror had provided me an outlet to harness my small amount of experience in that campaign. My reflexes told me to write, but my brain didn’t have much left.
So, I disconnected a little. That respite, with only a few interruptions, has continued for quite some time. My job continued to provide a steady and, I felt, deteriorating routine of well over 40 hours a week doing work. The wedding was a few months away, and I was writing emails to colleagues in other offices at 5 a.m. just so I didn’t have to handle those emails during my normal work day.
One morning in the winter, I decided anything would be better than this routine. My impulse to take a break from my self-imposed blogging pressure had shifted toward my job. I started looking into grad programs, got my G.I. Bill paperwork together again, and decided that I was going to hit pause on that too. This was entirely for my own sanity.
My belief is that many veterans only have one speed, well, maybe two. It is either total relaxation or full throttle. I’ve decided that I need to work on developing a few more gears. Fortunately, I have VA health care, the G.I. Bill (20 months left), and Vet Center therapy when I need it.
If you are out there, trying to Be All You Can Be but pulling your hair out in the process, remember that you have other options.
Chris Zeitz is a former member of the U.S. Army who served in military intelligence. He deployed to Kunar during the surge in Afghanistan. While in the Army, he also attended the Defense Language School in Monterey and studied Arabic. He has a Master’s degree in Diplomacy from Norwich University and is a member of the Military Writers Guild. The opinions expressed are his alone, and do not reflect those of the U.S. Army, the Department of Defense, or the U.S. Government.
