Canceling cancelers who cancel cancelers
I get why the liberal elite Democrat Socialists canceled Dr. Seuss.
Haters of God and America are traumatized that the Grinch failed to steal Christmas.
I get the liberal canceling of Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.
Hasbro, Inc., has yet to offer a Ms. Potato Head you can stick a pink hat on.
Don’t get me started on Hasbro’s lack of any LGBTQ+ Potato Heads or diverse and inclusive red, white, yellow, purple, Maine, Idaho and fingerling Potato Heads.
I also get canceling the violent deadly January 6 Capitol sedition insurrection white race riot because it never happened, while BLM, Antifa and Pelosi reduced our cities into a sea of flames.
We all get why God canceled Rush Limbaugh.
God called St. Limbaugh the Sneerer unto Heaven to teach His Angels to smear, spin, divide, denigrate and Make Heaven Great Again.
We also get when right-wing Neanderthals scream “cancel culture!” when called out for racism, sexism, nativism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, and other hate.
And when called out, they try to turn the tables and cancel their cancelers like we’re all rubes who are easily fooled by the ruse.
Canceling cancelers is an old clever-bully, Tucker Carlson-y tu quoque (“you also?”) whatabout prep school debating strategy to “own” opponents, like Pee Wee Herman’s, “I know you are but what am I?”
Yet our thoughts and prayers go out to Republicans and their supplicating media. Their cancel-culture gambit represents a dying gasp and grasp for power since they lack any discernable platform, priorities or policies for America. Other than sucking up to the Trump wealthy, suckering the Trump poor with fear and loathing of Socialism, and rigging democracy with voter suppression, gerrymandering and filibustering.
What puzzles me is who and what haven’t been canceled (yet):
U.S. Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez killed millions of Texans during the Great Texas Freeze-Out with her Green New Deal.
She also makes sagging old white Republican men crazy with a love that dare not speak its name and is icky.
NY Governor Andrew Cuomo
Stay tuned. Like President Bill Clinton who appointed him HUD Secretary, Cuomo will fight until the last dog dies. To Cuomo, “dog” means humans he uses and abuses, especially women.
Instead of reflecting on it, why not just cancel the Covid year and discard it to the dustbins of history? If the Soviets could erase history, and America beat the Soviets, then why can’t we?
Scott® Brand 1000 Toilet Paper
When the Covid panic hit a year ago, I camped all night outside my local grocer for the 6 a.m. opening, like waiting for REO Speedwagon reunion concert tickets, except I was lined up for bathroom tissue.
When the doors opened, climbing over, pushing and punching fellow shoppers like on Black Friday at Walmart, I managed to grab and wrestle the last family pack — 36 rolls, 1,100 sheets per roll — from an oddly ripped granny.
With nearly 40,000 sheets at my disposal, I imagined peacocking with toilet paper smugness making my beloved friends hate me with even bitterer envy than they did pre-Covid.
But when I got home and broke open the pack, I discovered the Scott® Brand 1000 Toilet Paper was not unlike what federal penitentiary lifers enjoy: Non-quilted, non-scented, one-ply, gossamer as a cheap bridal veil and just as scratchy. You can spin an entire roll after one bad Grubhub delivery dinner.
So, as we emerge from the Covid lurching for vaccinations like brain-starved zombies, cancel all bathroom tissue except for Citronella Ultra Comfort Care which, according to The New York Times, “provides the best balance of softness, cleaning power, absorption, and prevention of lint or remnants.”
While a good way to tell if an American is a pretentious git, canceling this misappropriated and shopworn Britslang will make life a little less irritating.
Also on any sentient human’s word-cancel list is “unpack” when not involving suitcases, “interrogate” when not squeezing perps, “performative” when unrelated to theater, and “intersectionality” except for race and gender studies grads from elite private $75,000/year colleges who are virtually unemployable yet when hired, dangerously entitled, sensitive and litigious.
Above all, cancel “impacted” except in an oral surgery context pertaining to festering molars.
Huffington Post language policing
HuffPo is still a thing? Yep.
BuzzFeed, Inc., recently bought HuffPo from Verizon Media, “uniting two of the larger players in digital media as companies across the sector search for ways to jump-start growth,” per the Wall Street Journal.
So let us all beg BuzzFeed: If you clean house at HuffPo to cut costs, start with canceling its aggravating “What Not to Say” series.
For example, “Stop Telling Me I Look Young for My Age,” “‘I Don’t Know How You Do It’ Is the Worst Thing to Say,” and “I Just Had A Baby — Don’t Ask Me These Questions.”
Also, “Don’t Call Me Smart, Talented, Wonderful, Awesome and Other Judgmental Microaggressions,” “Don’t Call Me Crazy Because I Married Myself During Covid — We’re Happy Together,” “Don’t Call Them ‘Cats’ — They’re Persons of Feline,” and, “My True Love Calls Me Sweetheart, Honey, Dearest and Other Misogynist Slurs — How Can I Make Him Say My Name Which Is Courtney?” Ok, these I made up.
Perhaps these HuffPo posts are intended to help us avoid triggering clinically fragile and easily offended narcissists and be shamed as asleep and regressive versus woke and progressive.
But as one HuffPo contributor wrote in “Why I’m Tired of The ‘Things Not to Say’ Posts”: “For fear of offending or saying the ‘wrong’ thing, we are creating a world where people are scared of reaching out, of trying to connect, of showing others that they do, in fact, truly care.”
As you can see here, I need to be canceled forthwith and posthaste, starting with my use of “forthwith and posthaste.”
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.