Other foods Biden “isn’t really banning”

Some maybe he should?

Jeffrey Denny

“President” Joe Biden’s “Nothinburger” scandal continues to divide America instead of unite us like he promised.

Biden pledged to ban hamburgers to save the planet. Then he flipped under the searing heat like a McDonald’s all-beef patty. This has left a bad taste in America’s mouths, also like a McDonald’s all-beef patty.

Meanwhile, Biden should be banning-not-banning worse foods:

Soylent Green

The 1973 dystopian film predicted that in 2022 — yep, next year — the world would be overcrowded and starving.

Humanity survives on a miraculously plentiful and nutritious food that critics said tastes hauntingly like kale acai kombucha protein shakes enjoyed by irritating people.

Then Charlton Heston screams, “SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!”

There’s an old saying: Liberals love humanity but they hate people. But it’s just plain wrong to have friends over for brunch — heh heh — even if they’re frenemies.

Pop Tarts

No, relax, climb down off the ceiling. Biden is not going after the Official Pop-Tarts® Delicious Toaster Pastries. He’s a Socialist, not a Communist.

Biden’s food fascist bureaucrats are merely inquiring — as they should — about “healthified” knock-offs such as gluten-free, cruelty free, non-GMO Nature’s Path® Organic Flavored Toaster Pastries.

I have no idea what “organic flavored” is supposed to taste like, maybe vegan armpit. I do know there’s something about the extra vowel in the British “flavoured” that makes their foods seem more delicious. In Soylent Green, did the Brits quite literally put the “u” in flavour?

In any case, a healthy body needs the regular corn syrup AND high-fructose corn syrup, plus soybean and palm oil with TBHQ for freshness, you get with Official Pop-Tarts®.

Wondering: If there are Official Pop-Tarts®, then are there Pop-Tarts® officials to oversee them? I’d take that job but I don’t want to get sick of Official Pop-Tarts®. (As if!)

Children of animals

Vegans and vegetarians rightfully lecture: Don’t eat anything that had parents. Especially if you’re an empath. The animals are looking at us with pleading eyes that beseech, “Why oh why in God’s name must you slaughter and eat us?”

Unless we’re talking shark. Then it’s eat or be eaten. So if you’re planning to swim off shark-infested New Smyrna Beach, Florida, pack a large bottle of shark steak marinade in your trunks, gents; it’ll really impress the ladies.

While we’re on the subject, do so-called “pescatarians” and “polo-vegetarians” irritate you too?

Aren’t those just pretentious virtue-signaling labels declaring that no, you won’t join for dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steak House because you don’t care for two-pound rib-eyes and pork chops? And not, like me, because of the confusing name? I mean, what exactly is the deal between Ruth and Chris?

Let’s also ponder: Why is it cruel to slaughter and eat mammals but not so much fish or chickens? Don’t they have feelings too? If they could speak, would they not soliloquize, “If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?”

How could anyone eat a salmon that quotes Shakespeare’s “Merchant of Venice”? Especially a Jewish salmon promising revenge, likely in the alimentary department unless it’s smoked and surgically sliced from Zabar’s?

Most important, never eat any cute animals unless you’re a psychopath or sociopath or both like Trump immigration advisor Stephen Miller.

Especially don’t take the kids to a petting zoo to pat the bunnies, lambs, ducks and goats and then to a fancy French restaurant for Lapin a la Cocotte, Le Gigot D’Agneau Pascal, Canard à l’Orange or Cassoulet avec Chavon. Children’s digestive and psychological systems can’t handle that kind of rich food and irony.

BTW, FYI, thanks for asking, Jonathan Swift was kidding: It’s completely wrong to stew, roast, bake, broil or fricassee a human child.

Epicurious recommends air frying, slow cooking, or sous vide-ing. You got these small kitchen appliances as a wedding gift and the givers will ask how you like them.

Pets

Under Biden’s food cancel culture, you can’t eat any animal once you’ve named it. Even if you name the animal “Dad” after your alcoholic father who abandoned and left your family destitute.

This ban has a good reason. It’s also in the Bible. Look it up. I think it’s in Deuteronomy. It says when an animal tween declares its gender and becomes he/him/his, she/her/hers, or they, or ze, and you give them a gender-neutral name, let’s say “Chris,” the animal officially becomes a pet.

The Biden pet-eating ban applies not just to cats, dogs, parrots, lemurs, tarantulas, boa constrictors, fainting goats, teacup pigs, rats, mice, gerbils and cicadas, but all comfort animals, including husbands, that make people glad to give you more room on airplanes.

Hardee’s Monster Thickburger

This is not your normal Biden “not-banned” hamburger you dimly recall your alcoholic father once grilled before he abandoned and left your family destitute.

This is the kind of burger that halfway through eating it, it starts to eat you. And then keeps eatin’ you. Until it eats you up. Like Bill Withers said.

It’s 2/3 lbs. of beef with four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered bun. You get two weeks of calories, fat, saturated fat, cholesterol and sodium in one greasy lunch.

But like “Doctor” Tony Fauci with his hair on fire about the so-called pandemic, the nanny-state American Heart Association frowns because elites hate when real Americans have patriotic fun.

The Socialist Democrats controlling Biden never want anyone to have any real fun, like with naughty delicious deadly food.

They think fun is raptly listening to “Morning Edition” on NPR while breakfasting on Nature’s Path® Organic Flavored Toaster Pastries. While masking.

But that ain’t America.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.

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