Real Covid vaccine side effects
Symptoms may include no symptoms
Jeffrey Denny
By now you’ve probably heard about the Ohio anti-vaxxer who testified that the Covid vaccine made her magnetic.
And maybe you’ve insensitively chortled at the mockery she suffered as she tried but failed to stick a key to her neck.
The real Covid vax side effects are no laughing matter:
A tiny brief pinch
I’m an insufferable neurotic who’s anxious about the slightest pain, real or imagined. Forgive me, I had anxious parents. So it was terrifying to use the clunky website to book my Covid shot, and petrifying to anticipate getting the shot.
It was absolutely alarming, frightful, harrowing, hideous, horrible, scary and unnerving when my Covid shot finally was administered.
The physical, emotional and psychic trauma as the needle penetrated my arm, nay, the very soul of my being, was indescribable. As such, I won’t bother searching thesaurus.com for more adjectives.
PVSD
I still wake at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat, heart racing, mind awhirl, from the Post-Vaccine Stress Disorder flashbacks from the pharmacist saying, like a chronicle foretold, “You’ll feel a little pinch.” I did! Ow!
Paranoia
The moment the needle punctured and flooded my being with microchips, magnetrons and microwaves, my first thought was how “Microchips, Magnetrons and Microwaves” would be a smash hit if Siri, Alexa or the default voice on Google Maps sang it like a robot.
Think a fun reboot of Little Feat/Lowell George’s “Weed, Whites and Wine.”
Then I was gripped with fear that my personhood, agency and identity — whatever we call our special unique important selves — were now under control of the liberal Deep State. That’s an amalgam of the Matrix, CNN, MSNBC, The New York Times “Week in Review” section (especially Frank Bruni), and other nefarious forces opposing Donald Trump’s glorious crusade to lead America to the promised land of bilk and money.
Worst of all, of course, is the Medical Industrial Complex, led by Dr. Evil himself, Tony Fauci, which makes billions for pharma CEOs and hedge fund bros by hooking everyone on Advil for every little ache and pain.
We sneered that Trump and his followers were paranoid, that it was a ridiculous conspiracy theory when they warned the Chinese created and released the Covid for World Destruction and Domination, like Dr. Evil in the Austin Powers movies (not Tony Fauci; Mike Myers).
Turns out the Trumpers were only 99.99 percent whack. Now who’s sneering?
Social anxiety
Being vaccinated means you get to bust loose and do anything you want, whenever, wherever, with whoever, all the time.
Go out! Have fun! Party like it’s 2021! Hook up on all the hookup sites — Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, Home Depot — then after one amazing sleepover, ghost like Beetlejuice all you want! No guilt! No harm no foul! Catch up on all the amazing fun you couldn’t have during Covid!
Granted, that’s too much pressure for people who’ve never wanted to do anything whenever, wherever, with whoever, pre-, during or post-Covid. You know who I mean: The amazing introverted, highly sensitive, anti-social people who can’t abide stupid small talk and think people who need people are shmuckiest people in the world.
FOMO, FONO and YOLO
Pre-Covid, I failed to suffer from FOMO, fear of missing out.
Post-Covid, I’m suffering from FONO, fear of normal.
Post-post Covid, I expect to suffer from FOFONO, the fear of fear of normal.
It’s a complicated affliction I can’t explain, but symptoms include singing FOMO FONO, FOFONO, nana, nana, Bonobos®, fee-fi-FOFONO, FONO! Which makes no sense but like the Shirley Ellis hit, “The Name Game,” it’s catchy.
Worst of all is YOLO, you only live once.
Pre-Covid, YOLO was exciting. For example, garden like there’s no tomorrow.
Post-Covid, YOLO is pushing us to do terrible stuff we’ll regret but rationalize because it’s the post-Covid Roaring Twenties.
Yet YOLO is also an anxiety-making existential death knell. It tolls you’re going to die someday, so you damned well better make every day meaningful. Dance like nobody’s watching? No, dance like everybody’s watching and you’ll sock them right in the beezer if they laugh!
Especially after the Covid, if you don’t live each day like it’s your last, you’re a loser. Nobody wants to die a loser.
Commuting
Getting the vaccine means having to go back into the office.
That means wake up, fall out of bed, and drag a comb across your head. Then find your way downstairs and drink a cup, and looking up, notice you are late.
Then you blow your mind out in the car because traffic is backed up. Or you didn’t notice that the lights had changed because you were looking at your phone filling up with urgent emails and texts and an idiot beeps and curses at you.
Guilt
You got your vaccine but feel bad for everyone who refused for stupid, selfish, misguided political reasons yet feel safe that most others got vaccinated.
You feel sorry for their deadly ignorance. Then you feel guilty for pitying their deadly ignorance because they don’t know any better, bless their hearts, they’re doing the best they can and think only Tucker Carlson tells the truth.
I rarely mention I got vaccinated.
Not in mixed company, anyway. Even when you say it softly it sounds like braying.
Mostly I wish to avoid sounding like a stupid liberal elite who believes in government science in case a real patriotic smarter anti-vaxxer American is there to chortlingly mock me for getting vaccinated.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
