Six voter suppression measures that would really work
Guaranteed to disenfranchise
Memo to Republicans:
Are you really serious about stopping another Democrat Liberal Socialist Cancel Culture Critical Race Theory Big Lie Steal Rigged Crime of the Century?
Or are you just performing to please or appease El Jefe Grande de Mar-a-Maga?
If you truly want to win by suppressing the vote to ensure voter integrity, then go big or stay home.
Denying water to parched voters lining up for hours because you closed 99% of the voting sites and removed all mail ballot boxes within 1,000 square miles is, as His Excellency would say, weak! It’ll only make the libs with their tiresome civil rights, equity, equality, and BLM thing even more determined to vote.
Progressive Whites who love hiking and Subarus (because love is what makes a Subaru a Subaru) may even game the system by bringing their own water to the polls in REI hydration bladders.
Americans can be ornery about their right to vote. Liberals especially, since they love democracy so much.
So if we really want to rig the vote to prevent vote-rigging, let’s man up with these six strategies:
1. Control the vote
Take a page from History’s Greatest Dictators: Outlaw voting against Trump or Trump-blessed candidates. Make it a crime against the republic and the people, punishable by torture then death if torture doesn’t finish the job.
For example, force non-Trump voters to repeatedly watch “Friends: The Reunion,” and not once remark how bad Matthew Perry looks but he’s had a rough time so shame on you for shaming his difficult journey.
2. Test the vote.
Years ago America kept Black people from voting by demanding literacy tests. That won’t work anymore since based on their social media posts, many fine White MAGAs would fail a literacy test.
Here’s a better voting test. Yes or no:
— Do you believe the 2020 election was stolen from Trump?
— Are you a conservative Republican?
— Not to be redundant, are you White? Male? Christian?
— Are you straight and hating LGBTQ+ (perhaps because you’re secretly LGBTQ+ and hate yourself)?
— Are you nativist, racist, misogynist, homophobic and transphobic?
— Are you anti-science, anti-education, and anti-facts that don’t support your beliefs?
— Are you anti-government generally but pro-government to control reproduction?
— Are you anti-immigration when it comes to people who are not White?
— Do you believe in violent insurrection?
— Do you believe the so-called violent insurrection at the U.S. Capitol never happened?
— If the violent U.S. Capitol insurrection did happen, do you believe it was justified? Because sometimes real American patriots need to take matters into their own hands?
— When you hear “Black Lives Matter,” do you want to respond that White Lives Matter, All Lives Matter, and Blue Lives Matter except when patriots fight and kill Blue Lives during a Capitol insurrection, which didn’t happen?
— Since you love Jesus as all good Americans do, do you believe He supports unlimited gun rights and it’s God’s will to shoot first and ask questions later?
Any “no” answers automatically disqualify Americans from voting. That’s how Jesus would want it.
3. Influence the vote
Try reeducation by Ludovico Technique aversion therapy, popularized by the 1971 Stanley Kubrick dystopian crime film, “A Clockwork Orange.”
Force Democrats, independents and RINOs to watch “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” weeknights at 8/7pm on FOX, with eyes strapped open.
You’ll know the Carlson Technique is working when the libs finally break down sobbing that Tucker’s the only one brave enough to tell the real truth, even though his FOX defense lawyers say no, he’s spit-balling bullshit that only stupid people believe.
Bonus if the libs grudgingly admit Rachel Maddow’s certainty can be grating sometimes, but not as irritating as NPR during fundraising week.
4. Distract the vote
Give the people something better to do.
For instance, in 2020, 155 million Americans voted. Around 100 million watched the Super Bowl. If we moved Election Day to Super Bowl Sunday, we could slash turnout by two thirds.
5. Hurt the vote
Electrify mail ballot boxes with 2,000 volts, just like the electric chair that primitive states such as Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Kentucky, Mississippi, Oklahoma, South Carolina and Tennessee still prefer as a way to painfully kill people, primarily non-Whites, many who are innocent.
This would literally shock and awe liberal voters.
Or, protect the polls with vicious attack dogs, like White Southern sheriffs used to deploy — and some still hope to — so non-White people don’t steal the vote by voting.
Or, redirect the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers and other Capitol insurrection cosplaying citizen militias armed with military weapons to guard the polls, take the law into their own hands, and serve as judge, jury and executioner. Like in horrible Socialist countries that have military juntas.
For instance, authorize our brave patriotic freedom-fighters to shoot to kill anyone who tries to vote using a driver’s license as ID but the picture doesn’t look anything like the voter. Even if it’s only because the DMV clerk snapping the Polaroid was having a bad Monday and took it out on the poor sap.
6. Hack the vote
Just come clean and admit what everyone knows — Russia hacked our elections for Trump — and hire Putin’s Internet Research Agency troll farms to manage our campaigns.
The Russians know how to use our social media to spread false conspiracies, confuse people about what’s true, and make everyone jaded about democracy to destroy it so they and our Republican Party can win together.
For example, the Russians can spread dezinformatsiya that voting is scientifically known to cause ED, colon polyps, deadly Covid vaccines, and having to go back into the office because Covid is over.
Voters will stay home in droves!
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.