Do You Even Care?
We are taught to be cordial. To care, however, is an entirely different animal.
Are we polite because we wish to be caring or are we polite in order to advance our agendas? In most situations, it is the latter.
The concept of politeness, like most life lessons, is introduced to children at a young age. Children are simply told that “being polite is a virtue to uphold.”
To be polite is to show good manners. Some would say that proper etiquette has died in the modern age. Maybe that needs to be restored as well. But I advocate a concept that is far more valuable than the theory of politeness. This would be the principle of care.
To care is a state of mind in which a person is troubled, anxious, concerned, and worried (for another). The distinction is placed on politeness being shown versus care being a state of mind.
Politeness is based on the perception of care while caring itself has an intrinsic value. Someone that cares for you should expect nothing in return. In theory, they care so much that any compensation would prove unnecessary. You care because you just do. The caring individual desires little or nothing in return.
The issue is that anyone can appear to be caring under the veil of politeness.
“Everyone sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.” — Niccolò Machiavelli
“Preserve me from such cordiality! It is like handling briar-roses and may-blossoms — bright enough to the eye, and outwardly soft to the touch, but you know there are thorns beneath, and every now and then you feel them too; and perhaps resent the injury by crushing them in till you have destroyed their power, though somewhat to the detriment of your own fingers.”— Anne Brontë, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall
“Always be nice to people to their face. Then when they turn around, berate the back of their head.” — Benson Bruno, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
“Be not intimidated…nor suffer yourselves to be wheedled out of your liberties by any pretense of politeness, delicacy, or decency. These, as they are often used, are but three different names for hypocrisy, chicanery and cowardice.” — John Adams
“Often people that tell others they are “extremely polite” when the situation calls for tact and bluntness are not actually polite people. Instead, they hide behind the word “polite” because they have low self-esteem or hidden agendas. Sadly, they impolitely confuse the hell out of everyone, send mixed signals, which then makes people question their sanity and motives.”—Shannon L. Alde
“There is an old German fable about porcupines that need to huddle together for warmth, but are in danger of hurting each other with their spines. When they find the optimum distance to share each other’s warmth without putting each other’s eyes out, their state of contrived cooperation is called good manners. Well, those old German fabulists certainly knew a thing or two. When you acknowledge other people politely, the signal goes out, “I’m here. You’re there. I’m staying here. You’re staying there. Aren’t we both glad we sorted that out?” When people don’t acknowledge each other politely, the lesson from the porcupine fable is unmistakable. “Freeze or get stabbed, mate. It’s your choice.” — Lynne Truss, Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door
“It is a wise thing to be polite; consequently, it is a stupid thing to be rude. To make enemies by unnecessary and willful incivility is just as insane a proceeding as to set your house on fire. For politeness is like a counter—an avowedly false coin, with which it is foolish to be stingy.” — Arthur Schopenhauer, Wisdom of Life and Counsels and Maxims
People use politeness to get what they want. Appearing to care is not the same as actually caring.
Politeness is a weapon in the field of perception. Our eyes and conscious can deceive us.
Perception is not always reality. Sometimes it is the exact opposite.
Corporations, certainly, use politeness to advance their initiatives. Businesses often use social responsibility to convince customers, clients and employees that they care about matters outside of profit. Politicians abuse the principle of politeness so much that it would be quite redundant and pointless for me to highlight their transgressions further. Just note that most politicians, in fact, appear to care about their constituents when it is evident that the goal is simply to win elections and stay in office by any means.
Let us not forget, however, that everyday ordinary individuals use politeness to get ahead as well. We go out of our way to show gratitude in order to save face. We place the veil of politeness over our actions to cover up our true intentions. Everyone has a hand in the game.
As stated before, I see no issue with politeness alone. The problem is that people seem to confuse the lesser maxim of politeness with the greater such as care. It is good to be polite. It is far better to care. Politeness is a social invention. Caring has intrinsic value that cannot be overlooked.
With all of this said, I leave you with this:
The next time you have a suspicion that anyone, including a corporate agent (corporations are people too, you know), a politician, your mother, your siblings, your spouse etc. may have ulterior motives, please simply ask the person, “Do You Even Care?” They will attempt to convince you that they do in fact care. At that point, smile and remember this essay. I guarantee that you will refer back to this, quite a bit, indeed.
I suspect that you are a CARING person that is troubled, anxious, worried and concerned for my well-being. If so, please recommend and share this essay. I also encourage you to provide notes and feedback. I will now show POLITENESS by thanking you for reading my essay because I wish to advance my agenda of becoming a better writer.
