When I was Working at the National Enquirer They Killed a Story of Mine that Could Have Potentially Derailed Bush Jr.’s Election

In 2001, I got a sweet internship with the National Enquirer down in Florida. For a keg standing college communications major, the internship was like a dream come true. At first, I was given the usual mundane intern chores, like getting lunch, polishing shoes, washing cars and photocopying. But then, once they found out that I could write, I was given my own weekly column!

I even had lunch with David Pecker, the CEO whose in the news now. He took all the interns to an Italian restaurant. I don’t remember anything he said. I think I was preoccupied with loosening my tie.

The internship ended, and I returned to bingo night with grandma and whipped cream bottles in the parking lot of Publix. Of course, somewhere in between, I got accused of being a terrorist after anthrax was sent to the National Enquirer. I wrote a stupid goodbye email to everyone at American Media, warning them of all the tricks I hid in the office, alluding to banana peels in the stairwell. Then, two months later, anthrax was sent, and they remembered my weird goodbye note.

It was scary that first morning, when I woke up and read ticker tape CNN, how they were searching for the Anthrax Intern. But the FBI quickly dismissed me as a suspect. When they asked me what I knew about anthrax, I thought they were talking about that shitty 80s hairband.

Anyway. While I was working at the National Enquirer, I was good with the secretary. When calls came into the National Enquirer, she filtered them out. For example, caller saw Gary Coleman selling spicy hot dogs on the highway, she’d send the call to the appropriate reporter. One day, she got a very hot story and she sent it to me.

This was the summer before the Kerry Bush election. I spent the entire day interviewing a security guard at a mental hospital in Jacksonville, Florida. According to him, Noella Bush, Jeb Bushes’ daughter, was locked up as a result of a cocaine problem. But then, she escaped!

I took cloud 9 home that night. I was convinced that tomorrow I would become the biggest reporter in the country. Think of how big that story would have been! All of those bumpkin overall-wearing conservatives who claimed to vote family values, were in store for a rude awakening.

But then, the next day, David Pecker killed the story. I was confused. But what could I do? I was just an intern. I’m not gonna question the CEO. At least now, I understand that David Pecker’s allegiance to the republican party and his low taxes, is more important than his business. God knows that could have been the biggest story his paper ever published. It could have derailed Bushes’ campaign. But he didn’t even run it.

Turns out the National Enquirer is nothing more than republican propaganda. Last year, it actually published a 97 page propaganda piece glorifying Saudi Arabia! It was placed on supermarket check out lines, right next to Good Housekeeping and Father’s Almanac. If someone can’t spot the overlapping of Trump, Saudi Arabia, and David Pecker smack them in the mouth. There are even rumors that AMI shared a copy of “The New Kingdom” with the Saudis well in advanced.