POLITICAL SATIRE
2023 Fugitive Pregnant Woman Act
Tying up the loose ends
“Ken, what are we going to do about these women who leave Texas to get an abortion?”
“Well, Greg, it’s a problem, to be sure. But as you know, I’m a student not only of the law but also of history. I think I’ve found something that can help us.”
“What’s that?”
“There’s a piece of 1850 legislation we might be able to use as a model. It was drafted by Senator James M. Mason of Virginia, grandson of George Mason, founding father and champion of state’s rights.”
“Sounds interesting. Tell me more.”
“Well, it seems that back in the day, there was a problem with people stepping beyond their legal bounds, just like today. So the properly over-represented states pushed through legislation that was an excellent solution.”
“Go on.”
“Here’s the wording:”
…when a person held to service or labor in any State or Territory of the United States, has heretofore or shall hereafter escape into another State or Territory of the United States, the person or persons to whom such service or labor may be due, or his, her, or their agent or attorney, duly authorized, by power of attorney, in writing, acknowledged and certified under the seal of some legal officer or court of the State or Territory in which the same may be executed, may pursue and reclaim such fugitive person…
“So what’s all that legalese mean, Ken?”
“Just that we will have the right to go get ’em when they run away.”
“Really?”
“Oh, yeah! And we’ll hardly need to change the wording at all. For example, ‘a person held to service or labor’ just becomes ‘a pregnant person prior to labor.’”
“That’s great!”
“But it gets better! By this law, the authorities in other backward states still supporting murderous abortion will be obligated to return these bad Mamas to us or be fined and imprisoned. Listen to this:”
any person who shall knowingly and willingly obstruct, hinder, or prevent such claimant, his agent or attorney, or any person or persons lawfully assisting him, her, or them, from arresting such a fugitive … or shall rescue, or attempt to rescue, such fugitive … or shall aid, abet, or assist such person … directly or indirectly, to escape … or shall harbor or conceal such fugitive … shall … be subject to a fine … and imprisonment …
“Ken, this is beautiful! Let’s get this before Congress as soon as we have a majority of Congressional representatives and Biden is impeached.”
“I’m way ahead of you, Greg. We’re drafting it right now so we can pull the trigger as soon as the conditions are right. And one more marvelous thing.”
“What’s that?”
“We won’t have any problems with constitutionality when the misguided liberals run it past the Clarence Thomas Supreme Court.”
“Oh, Ken, if being gay wasn’t next in line for criminalization, I’d kiss you!”
