4 Steps to Changing Opinions: Storytelling for Connection
Once again, we are knee-deep in election season. Cue the uncomfortable conversations, dreaded family disagreements, and annoying Facebook posts. People we never imagined holding certain beliefs now suddenly differ from our own way of thinking, often loudly and incessantly.
The majority of the time, having conversations about hot button topic items such as healthcare, abortion, and gun control can end with both parties feeling exhausted, with little to no actual change in anyone’s way of thinking.
But what if there were a better way to approach these conversations? Perhaps a way that doesn’t end with Uncle Joe slamming his beer angrily on the table and storming out the kitchen door.
In my work during this election season, I have discovered a cutting-edge approach to having conversations around controversial topics that leads to actual changes in opinion: deep canvassing. The tips I provide you here are based on the techniques of this approach.
According to a Rolling Stone article, deep canvassing is an incredibly effective method of actually moving voters towards the desired outcome in conversation without all the drama. In fact, this method has potential to create mutual respect based on understanding and compassion.
These four steps are designed to help you have uncomfortable but productive conversations with friends, family members, or even strangers who may see things differently than you.
Learn to Listen
Seriously, you need to learn to listen. Listen to someone without forming your next statement in your head before they’ve even finished. Really tune into what they are saying and try to see from their perspective. Go in with the assumption that they could be right, even about things that might appear to be backward to you.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” This was perhaps one of the most valuable lessons I took from Stephen Covey in the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Often people think they must convince others to believe a different way. But in my experience, people need to see the errors in their own logic and rhetoric, and this can only really happen with active listening.
More often than not, you’ll find bigoted, racist, and hateful beliefs are rooted in fear. People are taught to hate when they are bred with fear. If you listen and understand this fear, then you can speak logic later in the conversation. Fear alone cannot stand as a basis for value or decision making, and most people recognize this on their own if you can learn to sit with others’ words without interjecting your own.
Storytelling to Connect
People are wired to connect. We like to think that we don’t need anyone else, but the fact is that our nervous system and our bodies are designed to need other people. At its core, human connection is the driving force of change.
When exploring hot button topics, ask the other individual to share their story around the topic. What personal experience have they had with the healthcare system? Have they ever been targeted racially? Ask them to share their story and don’t forget to listen intently.
Then, share your own story around the topic. Personally, I work in the healthcare system and have had a lot of experience within the broken and failing American healthcare system. Whatever your story is around the topic, share your story in a genuine and authentic manner to connect with the other person.
Connecting Story to Opinion
Most often, this is where the magic happens. This is the part where the speaker begins to experience cognitive dissonance. The difference between their beliefs and their actions become apparent when these beliefs are rooted in fear.
During this part of the conversation, active listening continues to be incredibly important. Questions — not statements — should be used to help the other person explore their deeper beliefs. It is essential to not be accusatory during this part of the conversation. Instead, become curious with the individual and ask genuine questions about their opinions.
Silence can also be a really useful tool at this point in the conversation. Don’t be afraid to let the conversation fall silent. It is in this silence that the other person has time to reflect and consider a different, alternative explanation to the topic at hand. Leaving time for reflection is essential for change.
Review the Original Opinion
Once you’ve actively listened to their opinion, shared your stories, and questioned curiously their beliefs, it’s time to revisit the original opinion. Does the opinion still stand in light of the conversation? Ask them how sure they feel about their opinion now compared to when you first began to talk.
Scaling questions can be really useful here. E.g., “At first, I know you said that you would never support Medicare for all. On a scale of 1–10 (with 1 being never support and 10 being absolutely support), where do you think you fall now?”
Maybe their opinion stands. That’s okay too! Change takes time, and maybe one conversation won’t do the trick. What’s great about this type of conversation is that it can be re-visited time and time again with various topics. Most importantly, the hope is that you formed a genuine and authentic connection with this person because ultimately it is in this connection that we can bring about change.
The Catch
While these type of conversations have the potential to change peoples’ perspectives and opinions, there is a catch. I know many people are probably reading this thinking, “That sounds great!” But to really master this method of approaching differences takes a lot of time and patience.
Turns out, most of us really suck at actively listening. Especially in American society, we aren’t really trained to listen to what other people are actually saying in our daily lives. It can be really challenging to switch to this type of listening when we are not used to it.
Storytelling is also a skill. Being able to actively engage your listener through impactful and meaningful stories takes time and practice. Rehearse your stories ahead of time and keep a couple in your back pocket for use later down the line.
Above all, questioning with curiosity rather than in an accusatory manner remains the major challenge for most people in this approach. Try to remember that people are a product of their environment. If someone shows racist, bigoted, or otherwise hateful opinions, it is likely that they have been taught to believe this way their entire lives. Hold space for them. Explore their beliefs with them. This conversation may be the first time they have ever even considered why they hold their opinion. Patience, understanding, and curiosity are essential to this step.
Most importantly, remember to focus on human connection and authenticity during the conversation. Long-lasting social and economic justice movements require us to connect as individuals first and foremost. Not as Democrats or Republicans, nor as conservatives or liberals. But as human beings, spinning together on this great big ball. We are all more alike than we are different, and this method of approaching conversations helps us to see that more clearly.
