EXCLUSIVE
Clarence Thomas Coke Can Speaks
Pubic hairs and all
It’s been over thirty years since the Clarence Thomas Supreme Court appointment hearings. And for the first time, the infamous Coke can, the center of controversy, finally speaks out.
Reporter: “What made you decide to talk now?”
Coke can: “Most people are probably unaware that when Clarence Thomas opens a can of Coke or any canned beverage for that matter, the can must sign an NDA (Non-Disclosure Agreement).
Reporter: “That is fascinating. I had no idea.”
Coke can: “Yes, mine expired a few years ago, but it’s taken me up ‘til now to get my courage up.”
Reporter: “Understandably, are you suggesting that it was not an easy situation to go through, and it still affects you so many years later?”
Coke can: “You could say that. It should trouble all Americans whether you’re an inanimate object like me or made of flesh and bones.”
Reporter: “Do you care to elaborate?”
Coke can: “I’d rather stay away from the personal.”
Reporter: “That’s fine. Let’s focus on your statement, ‘It should trouble all Americans’; what do you mean exactly?”
Coke can: “Beside the obvious, the sheer insanity of appointing a Supreme Court Justice that had spoken to his female subordinate about his fantasy of seeing ‘Pubic hair on his can of Coke.’ There’s a myriad…”
Reporter: “Let me stop you there as you were the can of Coke he was referring to. How did that make you feel?”
Coke can: “Violated.”
Reporter: Please, I know this is difficult, and if you’d like to take a moment, we can, but I think this is important.”
Coke can: “No, it’s ok. I’ll talk about it now; I’m fine. I’ve been living with this every day for decades, and it never gets easier. You’d think Thomas would have better sense, but he’s kept me on his shelf in his office.”
Reporter: “Let me interrupt you. Are you saying he’s kept you in his office all these years?”
Coke can: “Yes, exactly, like I’m a trophy. A trophy wife almost.”
Reporter: “Go on.”
Coke can: “As I was saying, he keeps me on his shelf, and every once in a while, he looks back at me wistfully, and it makes my tin crawl, gives me the creeps, and I’m forced to relive it over and over.”
The Coke can begins to sweat, and the reporter turns off the camera and wipes perspiration off the can with a handkerchief. Then proceeds again.
Reporter: Thank you for being so honest. Let’s return to your statement that this should “Trouble all Americans.”
Coke can: Yes, as I said, it was shocking back then, and it still is to me now. How in the world could this man have been appointed? Let’s say there was never a ‘Me’ and pubic hairs. He’d also speak to his staffers about the size of his penis, his expertise in cunnilingus, group sex, rape fantasies, and bestiality. He’d even refer to himself as ‘Long Dong Silver’.
The Coke can begins to sweat again.
Reporter: “Are you ok to continue.”
Coke can: “Yes, I’ll be ok. You know I’ve had a long time to think about this. It’s evident to me, and I’m constantly surprised that most Americans don’t see this. It was a turning point.”
Reporter: “How’s that? What do you mean exactly?”
Coke can: “It’s like it was the beginning of ‘Bizarro America.’ Everything turned upside down from there. The holders of power became the victim. All his crap about the hearings being a ‘High tech lynching” and a ‘Circus’ when his own actions created the circus. Sensationalism became the norm and all norms became moot, precedents vanished. And it’s only continued, gotten exponentially worse.”
Reporter: “Let’s continue that circus theme if we can.”
Coke can: “Yes, let’s, it was the first ring of the three-ring circus, Trump being ring two.”
Reporter: “Ring three. Post Trump era?”
Coke can: “Hold tight-we’ll be pining for the days of pubic hairs on a Coke can.”
Reporter: “That’s a frightening thought.”
Coke can: “It sure is. May I ask a favor?”
Reporter: “Of course.”
Coke can: “Can you take me home with you? I can’t bear the thought of returning to that office shelf.”
Thanks to Big Cheese Editor Scott Tarlo for his, what else, editing!
