Satire
GOP Does More Than Just Embrace Anti-Vaxxer Movement
They are developing vaccines designed to create army of insurrectionists
The anti-vaxxer movement (Slogan: More Death. More Destruction. More Freedom) is alive and well in America, ensuring that more people will get sick and die from the various COVID options currently available.
Although anti-vaxxers are supported and cheered by the GOP (pronounced “Gope”) and their right-wing echo chamber, this is not the first time in our history that such a movement has gained momentum.
In the late 1700s, the newly created smallpox vaccine spawned a vibrant anti-vaxxer movement. According to Dr. Paul Offit, director of the Vaccine Education Center at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, “There was a belief if you got the vaccine, which was derived from cowpox, that you would take on bovine characteristics. You’d get a snout, you’d get a tail, you’d get floppy ears.”
Evidence indicates that there was some legitimacy to this claim.
(Left: As can be seen, this individual had a severe reaction to the vaccine)
Today, one big fear regarding the COVID vaccine is that it alters your DNA. Another is that a tracking device would be inserted with the vaccine making it easy for the Jewish space lasers to track and destroy you.
I decided to do in-depth research to understand what was really happening.
What I found was startling.
According to documents obtained from a GOP source, the GOP has been trying for years to perfect vaccines that will manipulate human DNA in order to create an army of, “inscrutable insurrectionist assholes who will simply do whatever they are told.” The ultimate goal is the destruction of American democracy and the takeover of the US government.
This effort was actually launched back in the 1980s and was dubbed, the “Destruction of Democracy Tour.” The moniker came from a young GOP staffer who loved the Guns N’ Roses album, Appetite for Destruction, before he became an asshole.
The effort hit a home run on its first-ever use of a vaccine — on President Ronald Reagan.
Reagan was given the experimental, Lyerz vaccine. The vaccine was intended to inoculate the president from telling the truth. It was very successful.
Reagan’s DNA was manipulated and the change was dramatic. He went from a second-rate actor to a second-rate president who gained fame for launching the “government is bad” phase of the GOP’s “Tour” when it was just beginning.
Reagan was able to follow the script he was given to the letter and the GOP was ready to accelerate their effort to take over the government.
Unfortunately, things got sidelined. A source who was heavily involved at this time explained what happened.
“Reagan made it rain, you know what I mean? I, along with many others who were involved at the time raked in millions of dollars. All that money, well it was supposed to trickle . . . (begins laughing uncontrollably before he can collect himself). Oh, my. Sorry. So that money could trickle down.” (Resumes laughing uncontrollably).
The effort lost all focus when the cocaine parties on yachts started.
The effort has gotten back on track ever since President Obama was elected.
The GOP got its “Destruction” mojo back during the Obama years. More recently, the GOP has really amped up its efforts. They now have many high profile successes. Here are just a few:
Lauren Boebert
Research indicates that Lauren Boebert started life as a mollusk, just off the coast of Florida. At the same time, the GOP effort had perfected a vaccine that produced a variant of rabies in subjects. It would produce rage and cause frothing at the mouth, yet bites would not infect others. It would be perfect for their army.
However, before it was ready for widespread use, a container filled with the vaccine was accidentally dropped as it was being loaded onto a boat. The vaccine leaked into the bay.
(Left: A young Boebert with her family before the accident)
It mixed with cooking oil and gun powder which regularly drain into the bay after each weekend of partying by the locals. The concoction was able to penetrate Boebert’s shell, changing her DNA.
This may explain why, years later, she would open a gun-themed restaurant whose menu states, “If You Ask For Seafood, I Will Shoot You.” It may also explain why she has the IQ of, well, a mollusk.
Josh Hawley
While some may disagree, evidence does indicate that Josh Hawley was born a human being. And while the only school Boebert ever saw was a school of fish, Josh Hawley graduated from Stanford University in 2002 and Yale Law School in 2006.
Teachers and professors remember him as very gifted. One professor called him “arguably the most gifted student I taught in 50 years.” That same professor added, “Too bad he was such a douche bag.”
The GOP became interested in Hawley when, just a few years out of college, others began referring to him, not just as a douche bag but rather a giant douche. He’s perfect, they thought.
The GOP promised the young Hawley that, if he joined them, there would be no limit to how big of a douche he could become. Hawley immediately signed on.
The GOP had a brand new vaccine for Hawley. This vaccine, Deevolv, is designed to change one’s DNA so that it devolves into an earlier version of the human species. The hope is that the vaccine will turn recipients into strong, animalistic creatures with little or no capacity to think for themselves.
According to sources, one of the drawbacks of this vaccine is not knowing exactly how far back in evolutionary time the vaccine will take its host.
Sources confirmed that the vaccine did change Hawley’s DNA. As expected, he became an even bigger douche.
(Photo of Hawley walking past the insurrectionists on way to overrun the Capital on January 6).
Mitch McConnell
Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, was born just after the Civil War in Alabama. At some point, seeking a more “robust” education, he moved to Kentucky where he couldn’t find one.
McConnell graduated from the University of Kentucky College of Law, where he learned how to say one thing and do another, to be a first-class hypocrite, and to break the law and avoid going to jail.
His second wife, whom he married in 1993, is Elaine Chao, Secretary of Labor under President Bush and Secretary of Transportation under Trump.
Ms. Chao apparently has terrible eyesight and according to her close friends, has never really been able to clearly see the man she married.
(Left: A young McConnel enjoying a swim just after law school)
Unlike Boebert and Hawley, McConnell never received one of the experimental GOP vaccines. According to a source, he had made a deal with the devil at the crossroads back in Alabama and no longer had a soul. “He was already perfect for us,” said the source.
In conclusion, anti-vaxxers may have a point with their concerns about a vaccine changing one’s DNA. Though they refuse the COVID vaccine, once the GOP vaccines are perfected and widespread, most experts believe that many of the same COVID anti-vaxxers will get in line to get one.
Until then, they will have to continue to rely on the right-wing echo chamber to tell them what to think and do.
