Not Quite “Fake” News
But some of these weirdos are operating with alternative facts, for sure
Instead of “doomscrolling” my way through this pandemic, I’ve decided “weirdscrolling” would be a better hobby. And you know what? Today I’m introducing 10 of the more odd — but entirely true — news clips I’ve come upon recently. And the week’s not even over yet. Good Gracious, as my Nana would say.
Thinking Inside the Box?
Amanda Chase — a Virginia state senator who wants to be governor — filed a lawsuit in Richmond Circuit Court, trying to prevent the state GOP from holding a nominating convention. Chase would rather run in a statewide primary, seen as more beneficial to her success. In her suit, struck down by the court, Chase argued that COVID-19 concerns should preclude a gathering because “it’s unsafe. It is unsafe, it is reckless.” Chase previously had bragged that she is the only state senator who doesn’t wear a mask, and is forced to sit inside a plexiglass box during senate sessions to prevent spreading the virus. Oh, and this gal — who apparently is the GOP’s gubernatorial front-runner — calls herself “Trump in Heels”. Way to own the libs, Senator!
Some energy companies in Texas made more profit last week than they would normally make in an entire year. One Dallas resident received an electric bill topping $17,000 — because his power stayed on while his neighbors went without. Because of the weird way that my home state (not such a proud Texan in this case) regulates — or, in this case, fails to regulate — utility bills, other Lone Star State power customers were paying close to $6,000 for Monday and Tuesday last week. I’m sure those bills came as quite a shock. In late-breaking news, five members of ERCOT, the non-profit that allegedly is “in charge” of this crazy system, resigned Tuesday. I hope they’re deeply ashamed.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T Cancun Cruz? I Think Not!
And speaking of Texas, Senator Rafael “Ted” Cruz hammered his alleged “friends” who outed wife Heidi’s text messages about the family’s Cancun escape. Speaking on a conservative podcast called “Ruthless”, Cancun Cruz went full potty mouth about how he thinks Heidi’s buds should have behaved better in the wake of his family’s crass conduct: “Here’s a suggestion: Just don’t be assh*les. Yeah, like, just, you know, treat each other as human beings [and] have some degree, some modicum of respect.” Whatever, Rafael. How’s that Mariachi Music sounding today?
The “Former Guy” Offers Kim a “Lift”
CNN reports that “the former guy”, known in some jurisdictions as Trumplethinskin, offered North Korean leader Kim Jong Un a ride home on Air Force One following their 2019 summit in Vietnam. A former senior administration official said the former occupant of the Oval Office did not ask aides whether there would be any problems in making offer. This was originally reported by the BBC. And we’re talking about a lift in an airplane, not lifts in the dictator’s shoes.
Do the Math, Dummy
Speaking of “the former guy”, freshman Colorado Congressperson Lauren Boebert — the gal who wants to carry scary looking firearms on the House floor and who allegedly hails from a town called Rifle, Colorado — flew to the Orange One’s oasis, Mar-a-Lardo, to headline a $5,800-per-plate fundraiser. Two days later, she voted against $1,400 relief checks for American families. Please note: Not all math jokes are funny. Just sum.
Welcome to Loserville
Referring to the Orange Oaf’s stupendous losses in the American judicial system while trying to peddle the crap about all his “winning” in the presidential election — BTW, Trumplethinskin and his buddies filed and lost 86 election-related lawsuits —Conservative Political Action Conference Chairman Matt Schlapp defended his invitation to have Mango Mussolini speak at the CPAC conference this coming weekend: “Just because you fail in court doesn’t mean you don’t have a good case,” Schlapp told CNN. That settles it, I guess.
Hey, Don’t Rush Me
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced that he will order flags in Florida to be flown at half-staff when Great American Rush Limbaugh’s body is laid to rest. At least one state agency head refused to comply. “Lowering to half-staff the flag of the United States of America is a sacred honor that pays respect to fallen heroes and patriots,” Florida Agriculture Commissioner Nikki Fried said. “It is not a partisan political tool. Therefore, I will notify all state offices under my direction to disregard the Governor’s forthcoming order to lower flags for Mr. Limbaugh — because we will not celebrate hate speech, bigotry, and division.” I can only say one thing: Sounds like she didn’t rush to judgment in this matter.
Oh, You Dirty Dog, You!
Newsmax host Greg Kelly on Champ Biden, the 12-year-old German Shepherd who lives with his brother, Major, and his folks, Uncle Joe and Dr. Jill, in the White House: “Did you see the dog? I wanted to show you something I noticed. Doesn’t he look a little rough? I love dogs, but this dog needs a bath and a comb and all kinds of love and care. I’ve never seen a dog in the White House like this. I remember Buddy, I remember Milly, I remember lots of dogs, but not a dog who seems … I don’t know. I don’t know how much love and care he is getting. This dog looks like, I’m sorry, like it’s from the junkyard.” Champ’s people, because they’re classy, did not comment on this tasteless remark by a washed-up television personality on a channel (no, not really a network) that pretends to be the heir-apparent to FOX. Also, someone should tell that dirty dog Kelly that Champ is 12 years old. That’s 84 in people years, moron.
That Dog Won’t Hunt
Cancun Cruz now has his fifth — or it might be sixth, but who’s counting? — excuse for his Mexican getaway. When all else fails, blame the media! “I think the media is suffering from Trump withdrawal,” Cruz said on that creep Hannity’s show. “Where they’ve attacked Trump every day for four years, they don’t know what to do so they obsess over my taking my girls to the beach.” Cruz previously blamed — in no particular order — his daughters, his wife, his kids’ school, his need to “get away”, and now, the “media” for his terrible decision-making. And sometimes the weather. Axios also reported that Cruz invited his college roomie on the junket, and this blast from the past gladly accepted. There are no reports — yet — on if Cruz later plans to blame his little dog “Snowflake” for the debacle. To employ an age-old Texas expression, Mr. Cruz, “That dog won’t hunt”.
The Dancing Raisins
A 105-year-old New Jersey nursing home resident who recently recovered from COVID-19 claims she punched her ticket to a long life because she avoids junk food, enjoys gin-soaked raisins and eats at least one avocado a day. At press time, there was no word yet on how many Magic Raisins Lucia DeClerck consumes per day. Maybe Mrs. DeClerck should share her raisin recipe with Senator Cruz. She is in no way confused about who she is nor her mission in life.