Random Selection Saves The USA!
A Random Selection Process (RSP) can’t be any worse, right?
If one watches Fox News or Newsmax, it’s pretty plain that Joe Biden is the absolute worst president ever. And if not Mr. Biden, the worst was Barack Obama.
If one watches MSNBC or CNN, it will be quite apparent that Donald Trump was the worst possible choice for Chief Executive.
Even if neither view is completely correct, a huge percentage of the American populace believes that our choice of leaders is seriously flawed.
Let us not affix the blame. Let’s fix the problem.
“Why?” you may ask
Can we handle the truth? Regardless, here it is. We Americans are too stupid and selfish to pick a competent leader who serves our best interests. And we are too easily swayed in one direction or another by constant media bombardment funded by big money. We are no longer the American People, as politicians are so fond of saying. We are the American Sheeple.
As such, our selections are abysmal. Additionally, the election process is irreparably flawed due to things like the Electoral College, Russian hackers, rogue voting machines, and Gerry Garcia voting by mail. We need to get back on track.
Let’s not expect a twice-rolled ’65 Corvair to run like a brand-new loaded ‘Vette. Why try to fix a poorly designed disaster when you can have a highly effective modern machine?
“How?” you may ask
Simple! We’ll select our president with a random drawing. Here’s how it works:
- First, we get a really big rotating cage. You know, the kind you see at Bingo, only bigger.
- Then we pop in 300 million or so little balls, each with a unique social security number on it.
- No, wait! We can eliminate a few so the number is a bit more manageable. According to the Constitution, the president must be at least 35 years of age, be a natural-born citizen (no damnable immigrants, eh Donald?), and must have lived in the United States for at least 14 years.
- Getting rid of those under 35 eliminates about 150 million. Purging those not naturally born takes out another 20 million. Lived in the states for at least 14 years? A WAG says another million or so go.
- And felons. Jettison the felons. While the Constitution does not prohibit anyone convicted of a felony from serving as president, it seems appropriate we remove felons from the pool. But that would take an act of Congress, and since the majority of our representatives harbor both presidential aspirations and closets full of skeletons, we’ll need to leave the felons in.
- Even including the felonious, the rotating cage is much more manageable now. But we’ll still need a good engine with appropriate gear reduction to turn the thing. Surely our Yankee and Dixie ingenuity will come up with many options. Expect a debate on whether fossil fuels or renewable energy sources should be used for power.
- Spin the cage for a few days, and at the appointed moment, open the door so that one numbered ball pops out.
Using mechanical means is important!
Selecting a president should never be the dominion of computers. Note that with the Random Selection Process (RSP), there will be NO COMPUTERS involved. There will be no hacking this selection! We don’t need or want computers because we’ve got balls!
With the mechanism of selection in place, we’ll need a TV show. On the first Tuesday following the first Monday in November, we’ll have hours of hoopla and pointless speculation. The ratings will be almost as high as the Super Bowl, and predictions every bit as accurate. The supermarkets will be emptied of beer and chips and dip as everyone prepares for the gatherings prompted by the big event.
Selection night will be an exciting media moment!
(Apologies to Steve Kornacki, who will not be needed.)
It’s a shame Alex Trebek is not available to host. As a naturalized citizen, he would have been a perfect impartial MC, since he had no skin in the game. Maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger could fill in?
Due to the science of statistics, we know that getting another dismal Six Sigma individual for president will have a much lower probability than the results of recent elections. One of us in the middle of the bell-shaped curve is almost assured of the presidency. And that will be a big improvement over those at the edges of the distribution.
But it gets better!
No monetary influence until after the “election.” Go pound salt, all you election-influencing Kochs and Soroses. Who you see is who you get.
No more long and pointless debates. No need to pull out, GOP. There will be nothing to pull out of.
No more environmentally unfriendly campaign signs and flags clogging up our yards, our vision, and eventually our garbage cans.
No YEARS of posturing and campaigning for the Office of the President.
And even better!
The process is completely independent of wealth, influence, race, sex, and, and, and... Anyone can become president!
It’s the American Dream.
No matter how good or bad the new randomly selected president becomes, that person will do us all a great service. After the selection is announced, we’ll all be scratching our heads at the same time, in the same way, wondering what the heck the new and unknown Chief Executive will do.
Unified America will be Great Again!
