Rudy Giuliani’s Rants Make Me Want To Smoke Cigars

Rudy Giuliani’s YouTube podcast, Common Sense, has the look and feel of an infomercial. You know the kind — the plastic imitations of real talk shows. And under that guise, they pitch some product that promises to clear the discoloration from your teeth, toilets, and kitchen tile using the cleansing power of copper-infused detergent. It really gets the stains out!

But Common Sense is not really a podcast. Rather, it’s a title insurance and cigar commercial, masquerading as a podcast, laced with irrelevant ramblings and baseless accusations of election conspiracy theories.

Rudy’s is a polished video where he makes explosive allegations about the “ELECTION THEFT of the Century” — the first two words are in all caps, so you know it’s legit. What else exploded? The marker from SharpieGate, apparently, because his right hand is completely covered in ink.

On the weekend podcast, his gripe concerned media networks, including former Trump darling Fox News, which had called some states in Joe Biden’s favor. According to his logic, this could not possibly be if the in-person votes had already been counted, showing Trump ahead in many cases. Never mind a little fact like the mail-in and absentee votes had yet to be counted and were determined to be outstanding Democrat votes (based upon household registration) by most outlets and analysts, including the U.S. Elections Project.

This narrative was exactly how Trump had telegraphed: complain for months about corrupt mail-in voting without any basis in fact, just so his team could rail against it during the election as the mail-in ballots eroded any early in-person Republican gains. Then he could say, “See? I told you so!” It was his ruse to sucker the Democrats into mail-in voting only to cry foul about it later.

The bizarre podcast begins with a flurry of stats on the voting returns, but he also switches gears to complain about pollsters. In his tirade, pollsters are the real problem because their incorrect forecasts cost the President an early victory. This was the cause of massive voter suppression of Republicans, he says. Interesting plot twist.

And then, at the seven-minute mark, he looks at the camera and says, “This is a good time to take a break.” Is that to pause and rail on another tangential issue? To talk about the virtues of professionally manicured lawns from landscaping services in Pittsburgh? No intrepid viewer, it’s to spend over a minute pitching the necessity of title insurance. And don’t forget promo code RUDY20 for a discount from his sponsor to protect your home.

Upon return from that sidebar, Giuliani drops a bombshell which provides the most unmistakable evidence of electoral malfeasance. “Pennsylvania is Trumps!” he says. “If, for any reason that vote total changes at all, it has to be a fraud.” Well, that settles it; case closed. This has all the same legitimacy as Sean Spicer declaring at a 2017 press conference that Donald Trump’s was the “largest audience to witness an Inauguration. Period.”

Come to think of it, ending with “period” would have really bolstered Giuliani’s claims, and added authenticity. But this was likely edited from the final script. In black marker.

“Tell me they’re not corrupt!” he demands, and he pounds his ink-free left fist on the desk. But it’s also an excellent time to take another break. This time it’s for a mail-order cigar shop, and they earned their 90-second spot as Rudy puffs on a stogie while relaxing in a red leather chair. Because you need to imagine the quiet comfort of smoking your cigar as you’re warmed by the thought of that whole-home title insurance you just bought.

When he returns, the remaining five minutes of his Fox News audition reel continues his attack on the election results. I think. I only half-listened as I was busy ordering cigars.

If you want to book Rudy, he’s available for public speaking at the Four Seasons. No, not that Four Seasons. The other one. Also? Don’t forget to use your special RUDY20 code for a discount.