Satire — A COVID Conversation
Based on a true story
Robbie was next in line at the local IGA picking up groceries for dinner when he spotted his old friend Gary checking out at the next register.
“How are you doing Gary? Long time!”
Gary turned trying to locate the person who had called his name. Robbie reached up and slightly pulled down the mask he was wearing so that Gary would recognize him.
“Hey, Robbie! I didn’t recognize you with that damn mask on. I never figured you for a Democrat! I’ll catch you outside when you’re done.”
Gary and Robbie had been high school classmates and best friends. They graduated in the early 1980s. Robbie did a quick stint in the Navy and then went to college, where he met his wife, Carol. He has been living in the Northeast ever since, working as a contractor for the government. Gary married a local girl and never left their small home town.
As Robbie pushed the shopping cart towards his truck, he spotted Gary standing there smoking a cigarette.
“Gary, I was just thinking about you the other day. What are you doing in town?”
“I had to come negotiate a new contract with the guy who has been farming Dad’s old place. He would like to buy it” — Robbie paused and looked away — “but I just can’t let go of it.”
“I thought you would likely come home one day. Ever consider that?”
“I couldn’t wait to get out of this town. You remember that, Gary? It was all I ever thought about.”
Gary nodded, “Yes, I do remember.”
“Over the years I’ve wondered what my life would have been like if I’d never left. Carol is from Boston.” Robbie stared at the horizon for a few seconds. “This place would be a significant lifestyle change for her and the kids, and honestly for me too. We’ve made several trips here to see what it might look like if we moved here and lived on the farm.”
Gary took one more pull on his cigarette and dropped it to the ground, “Not a lot has changed here, Robbie.”
Robbie paused and changed the subject. “I hear Sally’s son is in the ICU with COVID?”
Gary chuckled. “Thinking about your old flame, huh?”
Robbie wasn’t going to take the bait.
“I only dated her once, Gary. I believe her son is a year older than my oldest. So sad. I just can’t imagine. Are they thinking he’ll pull through?”
“He’ll be fine,” Gary snapped. “I’m sick of all the COVID nonsense. Everyone is down on him because he wasn’t vaccinated. Since he’s been sick, Sally has taken the vaccine and is now a self-appointed vaccine advocate. I’m sure you’ve seen the propaganda she’s pushing on Facebook. It’s all bullshit, ya know?”
“So I guess that means you haven’t taken the shot?” Robbie asked, pointedly.
Gary lit another cigarette and glared at Robby. “So I guess that means you have taken the shot?”
“I’m going to regret this conversation. Hell, I already do. Why are you refusing to get the shot? Please don’t tell me it’s a political choice, Gary.”
Gary took another pull on his cigarette and paused. “Well, there is that.”
Robby rolled his eyes in disgust. “Come on Gary — ”
“It’s more than that Robbie. The shot was developed too quickly. I don’t believe it’s safe.”
“And what are you basing that belief on? There is no indication that the vaccine is unsafe. Come on Gary, what information do you need? You and your family could die from this!”
“Don’t lecture me Robbie. I just need more information? I want proof and not speculation.” Gary dropped another cigarette to the ground and stepped on it.
Robbie turned towards his truck in disbelief, paused and walked back towards Gary, “So if the FDA certifies the vaccine, you’ll take it?”
“Not without full disclosure about the side effects. Long term side effects,” Gary added. “I what to know what can happen before I take it, know what I mean?”
“I’m not sure I do, Gary. So, you would be willing to take the shot if the Surgeon General leveled with the public about side effects?”
“Yes,” Gary said as he lit yet another smoke.
“So if the Surgeon General warned that the COVID-19 vaccine causes lung cancer, heart disease, fatal lung disease, stroke, and harm to unborn children, you would take it?”
“Robbie, are you trying to be cute?”
Robbie made direct eye contact with Gary and said, “No Gary, I’m not.”
Gary hesitated and took a long pull on his cigarette, “Robbie, of course I wouldn’t. I do believe one or more of those things are a side effect of the vaccine. That’s why I’m not willing to take it. So if the Surgeon General confirms it, no, not in a million years would I take the shot.”
“Wow,” Robbie said in exasperation.
“What?” Gary asked.
“Gary, when you get home, crack open one of those horrible PBRs you like to drink and have a seat on you back deck. Light up a cigarette and read the warning label on the pack. Then rethink our conversation.”
Gary didn’t seem to follow.
As Robbie headed towards his truck, he stopped and turned back to Gary, “Maybe I’ll see you on my next visit.”
