POLITICAL SATIRE
Thanks From Vlad
For doing what you know is right
Hello! Vlad here.
I want to thank you in advance for doing the right thing. For voting Republican, of course.
These elephants in the room really have it right. Why just the other day, Kevin McCarthy said his fellow party members are “not going to write a blank check to Ukraine.” I have really exceptional hearing, among many other exceptional qualities, and I know what this dog whistle really means.
I’m a practical man and understand that there is a need to save face, so the funding will not stop completely, but our boys in the red states will be supporting the efforts of us Reds by cutting back.
Not a problem. We in Russia have a tradition of throwing soldiers into the meat grinder to reach our goals, and a few more are really of no consequence. I’m sure I can find millions of them!
“My constituents are saying, ‘Why are we more worried about Ukraine’s borders than we are about America’s borders?’ My constituents are not sitting there going, ‘Gosh, we have to save Ukraine’s borders,’” Rep. Warren Davidson, R-Ohio, a member of the conservative Trump-aligned Freedom Caucus, said in an interview.
Attaboy! No time to let down your guard when the Mexicans are at your door! Bad Mexicans! Murdering rapists! Nazi Mexicans!
And don’t forget about those Central Americans fleeing their countries. That’s your real problem, American Patriots! They are also rapists and murderers who will pose as low-paid illegal workers doing the jobs no American citizen wants to do. They’ve been trained to use your lawn care as a launching pad for all manner of criminal activity.
Pay attention! Stop that mass migration. That’s where your money needs to go. And that’s where your Republican representatives will send it.
Representatives McCarthy and Davidson and many other Republicans are helping me protect freedom. I’m freeing Ukrainians from Nazi domination. There are as many Nazis in Ukraine as there are stolen votes in your 2020 American election, and I’m going to continue doing something about them.
With your help. So thank you from the bottomless pit where my heart should be.
