How we can apply best practices from polyamory to business agreements to form stronger relationships.
Let’s face it, negotiating agreements in any kind of long term relationship can be tricky, whether we’re talking about business or personal relationships.
Polyamory, the practice of engaging in romantic relationships involving more than two people with the informed consent of all parties, requires a higher degree of trust and communication than most other forms of relationships.
One of core principles that allows it to work, and what sets it apart from simply cheating, is the concept of “informed consent”. On the surface it’s a pretty basic concept. All parties involved are informed of and consent to the arrangement and everyone’s happy right?
Yes and no, the devil’s in the details. Let’s break it down.
Consent
Negotiation is the act of discussing the terms of an agreement to which all parties agree, or consent to. For a one time deal this can be sufficient.
But if we’re looking to forge a sustainable relationship based on mutual trust and respect we’re going to need to look a bit beyond that.
Renegotiation
Things change. The conditions and assumptions under which an agreement is are often fluid. To survive changing situations and environments, the terms of the agreement should be subject to renegotiation. In a business setting that means being flexible and open to changes down the line. In a personal setting it’s about realizing that we can change our minds about what we’re okay with. When it comes to our personal boundaries, consent can be given and revoked.
Agency And Real Choice
Consent via coercion is not consent.
Coercion is a bit of a loaded term, and there are many different forms, some more subtle than others. In general though, if one party is made to feel like they don’t really have a choice, then that is coercion. This could be over as in blackmail, but it can also be more subtle such as creating a sense of obligation or manipulating a sense of reciprocity.
If both parties aren’t happy with the agreement and one party was made to feel like they had to choose between the lesser or two evils, then it is likely that coercion was involved.
Note that I’m calling out that the other party is made to “feel” like they don’t have a choice. Walking away is always a choice, even if it is a difficult one. This applies just as much to business deals as to personal relationships.
Informed
The next part of the “informed” part. What does it mean to be “informed”? For one thing, it doesn’t not just mean being told.
Understanding Vs Knowing.
In business this comes up as the difference between signing a document and actually understanding what it means. This goes beyond simply understanding literally what the agreement entails, but also what the ramifications are.
In personal relationships it’s usually less formal and you usually don’t have to sign on a dotted line, but it’s still equally important to be clear and make sure that ambiguous terms are clarified.
Relevant details.
When communicating the terms of an agreement, it doesn’t make sense to spell out every single little detail. But it is important to spell out the “relevant” ones.
What does relevant mean?
This is where it gets tricky and subjective. What is relevant to one person is not the same as another, and people come from different backgrounds and experiences which shape their assumptions and worldviews.
In order to get a sense of relevancy it’s important to get to know what is important to the other person, what do they care about? It’s going to be an imperfect process, but that’s where renegotiation mentioned above comes in.
Good Communication Can Be Hard
Words are tools, not the product
Ultimately communication is about the conveyance of meaning, not of words. Within any communication there is going to be a set of assumptions that everyone brings to the table based on their own personal experiences. Assumptions are not inherently bad. Communication wouldn’t be possible without assumptions. Where it causes problems is when certain assumptions don’t hold up. It is when there are problems that it becomes even more important to be willing to talk and to work things out.
While there are some differences and nuances between personal and business communications, among the most effective communications there’s quite a bit of overlap, and while good will and intentions by themselves are not sufficient, it is necessary starting point to building strong relationships in any sphere of life.
