The Difference Between Jealousy And Envy

And Why The Distinction Matters In Polyamorous Relationships

Despite the fact that the two words are sometimes used interchangeably, jealousy and envy are two very distinct emotions that can often (but not always) appear together.

So what is this distinction? I’ll borrow this explanation from a Psychology Today article.

Envy occurs when we lack a desired attribute enjoyed by another.

Jealousy occurs when something we already possess (usually a special relationship) is threatened by a third person

And so envy is a two-person situation whereas jealousy is a three-person situation. Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something (usually someone).

— Richard Smith Ph.D.

If you’ve ever read any book or article about polyamory, a topic inevitable that comes up is that of jealousy management. What you’ll also likely hear is that jealousy is an umbrella term for a number of different emotions.

What you won’t hear discussed much is “envy”.

Now why is that?

It could be that they are unfamiliar with the distinction, but I find that unlikely. These authors are quite experienced with unpacking and talking about emotions and we’re talking published books here.

So why gloss over envy in favor of discussing jealousy?

I think there are two reasons.

The first is that while the words are used interchangeably in colloquial speech, it is only the word “jealousy” that is used ambiguously to describe both emotions. “Envy” is rarely ever used to described jealousy.

I think the other reason is that of the two, jealousy tends to be the more destructive.

It’s possible to be envious of your partner getting more attention than you while still feeling compersion for them. Envy is internal, about yourself and what you want.

Jealousy on the other hand means that you feel threatened, afraid, or insecure. Like other forms of fear it can manifest itself in angry, defensive, or controlling behavior if it isn’t properly managed.

Despite it being less harmful in a polyamorous relationship, envy is still worth talking about, if for no other reason than to draw the distinction between the two feelings and to have a better understanding of your own emotions.

Regardless of which is more potentially harmful, feelings are a natural part of our human existence, and they occur at a level that is deeper and more primal than our logical faculties. Reading questions from those new to polyamory it’s quite common to hear of people saying things like “I shouldn’t be jealous about this”, but feelings don’t really care about your logical thoughts. We can’t and shouldn’t try to control how we feel, or to deny our feelings, even ones of envy, jealousy, and anger. What we can and should control is our reaction to them (and sometimes, if we’re aware of them, the triggers for those feelings).