4 Questions for Breaking Down Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships

It may look like a classic green-eyed monster, but it’s often something else

Photo by Edilson Borges on Unsplash

As if scheduling mayhem, worrying about your health (especially in times of Covid), and navigating societal prejudice isn’t enough, many of us who engage in polyamory, at least occasionally, struggle with feelings of jealousy. It’s the unloved elephant in the room, the one some people believe polyamorous folks don’t get to experience. After all, we chose this lifestyle, didn’t we?

That’s not true, of course. Just because we made a conscious decision not to constrain our lives by the feelings of jealousy, doesn’t mean that none of us ever feel it. So let’s talk about jealousy — what it may look like and what it may actually tell you, either about yourself or your relationship.

What is jealousy?

First of all, let’s define jealousy. I’m sure there are many definitions out there (including distinctions between jealousy and envy), but for simplicity’s sake: when I write about jealousy in this article, I mean you feel bad because of things your partner does with someone else. This can be an ongoing worry or short pangs of “I wish I had that!” — it’s not about quantity.

The problem is that society doesn’t look kindly upon jealousy. If you’re being jealous, you are often considered unreasonable or even childish.

The most obvious way to recognize jealousy is when you have thoughts such as “I wish they wouldn’t do that!” or “I wish they’d do that with me!”, or even “I wish I could do these things with someone!”. The problem is that society doesn’t look kindly upon jealousy. If you’re being jealous, you are often considered unreasonable or even childish. Being jealous is not okay. And since our brain does a terrific job of avoiding any thoughts that may conclude we are not okay, we tend to cover our jealousy up, turning it into thoughts that place the blame on someone else (usually our partner or their other partner).

So our jealousy may mask as righteous indignation: “They are just being unreasonable! It’s not fair!” Or as (either agreed upon or assumed) privilege: “I’m their primary, I was there first, we live together (so I have more rights)!” As blame and judgment: “They are just causing drama! They don’t communicate! They’re mentally unstable!” Or even as self-pity: “I’m struggling harder! I need them more!”

Whichever thought or feeling you have — even though it’s often about the other person, it can tell you a lot about yourself!

Do you believe you’re a solid partner?

The other week, I felt jealous of my meta — she was being a social butterfly, while I could barely get off the couch. My mind did a great way of masking that, trying to come up with all sorts of reasons why I was actually the superior partner, focusing on her flaws to make myself feel better. “Yeah, well, it’s true that she’s way more social, but I work, while all she does is shopping!” Sounds oh so reasonable, but… it was just my mind playing tricks on me.

The actual issue was that I was feeling low and she was being awesome, I began questioning my worth as a partner. Am I still pulling my share? It was never about her! It was about my self-image of me as a partner.

So I took a long, hard look at myself and asked myself the following questions:

1. What do I believe a great partner should be, or do?
2. What constraints out of my control prevent me from being this person?
3. What is within my control to be a great partner?
4. What is within my control to influence the constraints?

And here are the answers I came up with:

1. I believe that a great partner should be a complete person themselves, first, and from that place complement the skills/abilities of their partner, and create shared experiences that benefit both (if you’re in a triad or a quad, this still applies — you just have more partners). Please note that this is my vision on partnership and you may come up with an answer that’s totally different from mine.
2. My nervous system and seasonal depression aren’t doing me any favors. Also, with the lockdown in place, creating shared experiences has become harder.
3. I can critically examine my partner’s needs and see what more I can do to meet them. I can look at my meta and the skills or behaviors she has that I’d like to have as well, and try to develop those (please don’t confuse skills and behaviors with personality traits). I can work on myself and my own jealousy, without making it my partner’s problem.
4. I can take vitamins and continue with my mental practices to become a happier person.

Thinking “Oh, I’m just not worthy of love!” is easy. Examining why exactly you question your worth is harder, but that much more productive.

Please note that even if I’m an amazing partner according to my personal standards, my partner may think otherwise. If that’s the case, this may mean that for the time being, we’re not compatible as a couple!

Do you believe you’re capable of being without this person?

I’ve written about attachment issues before: one thing you may learn from your own jealousy is that you subconsciously believe you’re not capable of being without your partner. This may be the case regardless of how successful, smart, beautiful, or popular you are. And there are some very important nuances here.

First of all, the belief is subconscious. It’s a gut feeling. You may rationally understand fully well that you’d do just fine without your partner (in some situations, such as with abusive relationships, you understand that you’d likely do better). But there is knowing, and then there’s knowing. If your conscious mind tells you something, but you find yourself unable to act on it — that means your subconscious is not on the same page.

You may rationally understand fully well that you’d do just fine without your partner. But there is knowing, and then there’s knowing.

Second, the belief is about being capable. This belief may be right, or it may be wrong. Sometimes, it’s a totally irrational feeling of being unable to survive, and I found this is often the case when you’re uncomfortable with the things you may feel when being alone — your partner acts as a buffer of sorts, shielding you from yourself. But that’s not always the case. You may very well worry about the practical implications of your partner leaving, especially if you depend on your partner, for instance financially.

Of course, it’s also possible you not so much believe you’re incapable — you just — putting it mildly — don’t look forward to the changes it will bring in your life.

Third, the belief is about this particular person. You may have 5 partners, but still be terrified of any of them leaving.

If any of the above is true for you, I found the following questions help me cope:

1. What am I afraid of? (For instance: I’m afraid I won’t be able to afford rent if my partner leaves, and I’m also really scared of the grief that will come with my partner leaving.)
2. How can I build resilience in case it does happen? (For instance: Look into ways to make more money to bridge the rent gap, sitting with any sad feelings and allowing myself to feel them and learn that I can hold them.)

Please note that there is a giant difference between your fear of someone leaving, and the actual odds of them leaving. These are two separate issues to address, but they often aren’t related. And while nagging your partner to the point where they promise not to leave you or adapt their behavior might lessen your fear, it usually doesn’t benefit your relationship (and the odds of your partner actually leaving).

Are your needs and wishes being met?

Jealousy may signal that some of your needs or wishes aren’t being met. This one seems the most obvious one, the one we most often think of as jealousy. It not always is. For instance, I used to get jealous when my partner would spend the day gardening with my meta. Is it because I wish he’d spend an entire day gardening with me? Hell no — I’m not into gardening. Is it because I wish he’d spend an entire day doing something else with me? Nope — he was spending at least as much time doing fun things with me! It wasn’t even about them spending that particular day elsewhere — I was enjoying myself just fine. Rather, I was scared the things we did weren’t as fun for him, meaning I wasn’t being a great partner to him.

But some of my jealousy definitely does signal needs (or rather, wishes) unmet. For one, I used to be very jealous of my meta, who’d see my partner way more and share a home together. There were many underlying reasons for that jealousy, but amongst those was that I simply really enjoy sharing a living space with a person I care about, and I wasn’t able to do that — this need of mine wasn’t met.

Here’s what you need to know about needs or wishes not being met:

1. Having your needs and wishes met is not always possible. Just imagine your partner having a baby with someone else, while you turn out not to be able to have kids. It must be heartbreaking, but it’s also deeply human.
2. Having your needs and wishes met is not something you’re entitled to. Just because I wanted to live with someone, doesn’t mean my partner (or anyone else) had to provide for this. If anything — making sure my needs are met is my responsibility.
3. The unmet need isn’t necessarily identical to what your partner does with someone else. Maybe they buy a car with their other partner, and you don’t need a car, but you would love to go on a cruise together.
4. The unmet need isn’t necessarily connected to your partner. Maybe you don’t want to do the things your partner does with their other partner(s), but you’d love to do the things you enjoy with other partners.
5. Not all needs require a relationship. A lot of my needs that aren’t met in my relationship are met in friendships, instead.
6. It’s okay to want and to have your needs and wishes met. Maybe you can’t get some wishes met at this time, for whatever reasons. This may leave you frustrated, sad, or even angry. It’s okay to feel all those things (although you may want to look at constructive ways to deal with these feelings).
7. It’s okay to get your needs and wishes met. While you’re not entitled to have your needs met, you can definitely exercise whatever control you do have. While I wasn’t entitled to have my partner live with me, it was totally valid for me to live with someone else (as long as this other person would be willing). Just because your partner won’t meet your needs, doesn’t mean you don’t get to have them met.
   And yes, sometimes, this may mean leaving your partner. That’s okay, too. You’re not entitled to having your needs met by them, but they aren’t entitled to you sticking around regardless.

When a need of mine isn’t met, I ask myself these questions:

1. What’s the underlying need not being met? (Is it the thing your partner does with someone else or is it something else?)
2. Is it really about the need? (It’s often more about my fears of being inadequate or abandoned)
3. Why do I want this need met? (Sometimes, introspection helps me discover that a need is actually just a way to not deal with fears, or I find out I only want a need met because it’s expected of me in society)
4. What are my options to have this need met? (E.g. talking to my partner, doing this thing with someone else, or by myself, altering my perception)

Bonus: are you distracting yourself?

Recently, I discovered a curious new thing about my jealousy. Sometimes, it’s not even about jealousy. It’s not even about my relationship. It’s simply a cute, neat, little distraction from other fears or issues.

It’s so nice to obsess over my partner and my meta when my jealousy keeps me from sending my energy into my business. That would be so much scarier: I might fail! Or worse: I might succeed! Either way, those things would actually require me to get off the bloody couch and take action (since I can). Jealousy provides me with the perfect excuse of engaging my mind differently so that I never have to focus on all the other aspects of my life.

So jealousy certainly isn’t always what it seems. But understanding it helps to manage your feelings in a constructive way!

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